Life is hard....and amazing

 Life is hard….and amazing.

It has been a long time since I have sat down to write this blog, for obvious reasons.

This Easter Sunday will be 8 months since Laura passed.

After she left this world, I just did not have anything to say or much reason to do so.

I knew I had to make the album we planned before her death and I knew I needed to 

try and be useful for my family, but I didn’t have much else in me, I was numb.

I was tired. I had just spent a year and a half grieving while watching my best friend die in front of me. It was exhausting. Next month will be two years since Laura began getting sick. It was a nightmare that seemed would never end. Once it did, it was just quiet and weird. 

But sometime in August I began to get the desire to pick myself up and brush myself off.

I began doing shows again and playing my guitar. That was a big deal. It felt good to play loud.

It was weird at first to get out in front of people again, but I started just making myself do it.

I would walk into the crowds and let people get close to me again. Most people greeted me with hugs and love. Some had no idea what to say. Many cried without words. I would spend my time consoling them more than anyone consoled me. It was very therapeutic. I would tell them thank you and “it’s gonna be ok” and they would ask me “you’re not crying?” Or they would give me this concerned look and I would sweetly answer “I have cried for over a year, it’s your turn to cry now.”  I could not cry anymore. I did not want to isolate and get stuck in depression, I wanted to walk into life again and move forward for myself and my family. We lived in a shadow for a very long time, it was time to walk out of the shadow.

Sometime around the end of August a dear friend and business partner of mine gave me a call.

We had been working on the concept of a music non-profit before Laura got sick but then it got sidetracked. He called one day and said “Buddy, it’s time to get back on the horse. We need to get working on the non-profit. Have you ever considered moving back to the St. Louis area?”. The last we had spoken about the non profit it was possibly being built in Florida, even Texas but the land was expensive in both states. He had just heard of a new PGA golf course being built outside of St. Louis and that the land and taxes were much cheaper. That conversation threw a spark in me. I had not really ever considered moving back to St. Louis but now I was intrigued. We began talking about possibilities and looking at properties for fun.

This definitely got my mind thinking about the future. Laura’s mother and sister were both from the St. Louis area. This might be a very interesting idea.

Around this same time last year I began talking to a woman I had gone to high school with but really never knew. Her name is Jackie. She sent some very sweet messages when Laura was in hospice and encouraged me to continue to write stories about Laura. I remember reading her stories of her daughter who is special needs. She too had blogged about the experiences they were going through. She could relate in a sense to what I was trying to do with writing those stories. I was trying to reach out, find empathy, share my love for Laura with the world, and cope. I went back and read some of her blogs about her daughter. In August we sent a few messages back and forth learning about our kids and families. We really didn’t know anything about one another. We built a friendship. It was really nice to have someone to say hello to or ask how their day was going. She was funny and made me laugh when I needed it most.

Slowly, over the next few months we talked more and more and realized how much we had in common. I finally got up the nerve to ask her out on a date at the beginning of November. 

I was finally beginning to feel alive again for the first time in a very long time. 

I celebrated 20 years of sobriety on October 28th. Jackie gave me a nice card and a coffee mug that said “Woke up sober again”. I knew right then that this is something special.

I never really considered another relationship after Laura. Laura would often tell me “You’re going to move on Mike, I don’t want you to be alone. There will be someone for you.”

I just couldn’t see that at the time. But God had another plan. Somehow, someway Jackie and I have been brought together in this world. It’s been amazing to say the least. My children have fallen in love with her. She is sweet and kind and so caring. She wants to know about Laura and hear our stories. We brought all 9 of our kids together at the first of the year and had a magical weekend together that ended with an amazing snow storm that had everyone in the front yard building snowmen and throwing snowballs. We have been on many dates now and trips and life has taken a turn that is amazing. Jackie is exactly what we all needed. We are truly blessed to have her in our lives today. 

In September I went to Sunset Studios in Hollywood with Joe Bonamassa and Josh Smith and their band of exceptional musicians and recorded the album “Life is Hard”. A tribute to the loss of Laura and to living through some tough shit but persevering. I believe this to be the BEST album of my career. I put everything I had into each note I sang and played. Joe and Josh and the band put their hearts into this with me and I believe we made a gem. Laura would be so proud.

Our non profit has moved on full force and we have put a contract down on property just out of St. Louis to build a professional recording studio for young artists to have a chance to get their music out there. I will be the Executive Director of the non profit. For a guy who barely graduated from High School, that’s pretty incredible! Being the ED will give me the financial opportunity to step back a bit from touring and stay closer to home for my family. 

YES, I will NOT stop touring, EVER! Just maybe not 4 weeks at a time please… I am old!

So, I will be moving to St. Louis this summer with Josie to begin our new adventure. 

I will start my new position in June and you will hear a LOT more about it very soon, it’s the most exciting musical adventure yet. Josie will start her freshman year at a great new school.

She’s already taking trips to meet friends and she is SO excited for all of this. This move will be a huge step in the right direction for Josie.

We will keep our house in Nederland and Sophie will stay and finish her Senior year at NHS. It wouldn’t be fair to make her move her last year and she is excited as well. She’s going to be 18 this year and has her eye on a great University and is beginning to visit colleges this year. Of course I will be going back and forth regularly and Laura’s mother will continue assisting when I am not there. Matt Johnson and his lovely family are moving to St. Louis this summer as well. Matt will play a big role in the recording studio. The non profit will help family members and band members alike. OF COURSE, I will miss SE Texas and will ALWAYS come back to see my friends and family. Southeast Texas saved my life. It changed me forever. It will always be my second home. I will continually come back and play shows and eat food at the Bayou Cafe and Madison’s!!!  BUT, I am not gone just yet. I promise more Texas shows this year for sure.

I am also VERY excited to move back to St. Louis after all of these years.

St. Louis is my home. This is where I was born and raised and learned to be a musician.

I left the city on a very low note over 20 years ago. I have never been able to truly enjoy my city as a sober, productive member of society. I am thrilled to come back to the music scene in a big way. I hope that the non profit will bring many of my old friends back together again. I look forward to being involved in more shows and events.

Gulf Coast records will certainly continue on full steam ahead. Our record label is kicking ass!

I just wouldn’t have thought life would be so amazing. I did not expect it. 

Jackie is a dream come true. I have found a best friend and partner that shares the same values and love for life and family. We are excited to see what the future brings for all of us.

I know for a fact that all of this positive energy is from Laura. She has done all of this for our family. The Universe is unfolding in ways never expected. I continue to follow the positive energy and I thank God and Laura everyday for these blessings. 

Peace, Love, Zito.

Endless Summer Vacation

I was 14 years old in 1984. I was in 8th grade at Holy Family Catholic School in South St. Louis. I loved music with a passion. I listened to anything and everything. I especially loved music that had a lot of energy. Music that made me feel alive and excited. Music that was emotional and sometimes sad. I was falling in love with every girl in my class and of course I was crazy for Molly Ringwald. There were so many albums that played a huge role in this time period in my life: Michael Jackson/Thriller (actually 83), Bruce Springsteen/Born in the USA, Madonna/Like a Virgin, Van Halen/1984, but most of all was Prince "Purple Rain". I LOVED that movie and listened to that album over and over and over and over. I know every scream, every inflection, every note, every beat. It's one of my all time favorite albums and especially important for me at the age of 14. It had great songs, amazing singing, incredible guitar playing, imagery, it was sexual, passionate, profound, and full of angst and emotion. Everything that was running through my veins as a hormonal teenage boy. It summed up my life in 8th grade. I wanted to be Prince, sing like him, play like him, dance like him. 

    I don't always listen to Purple Rain anymore. Maybe once a year I go down memory lane and listen to the album for nostalgia. I still enjoy all of the music, but it also reminds of this time in my life. It wasn't a "bad" time, it was a great time. But a time that was emotional. I was insecure, sensitive, and vulnerable. It brings me back to feelings that were not so pleasant then and maybe they're still not now. One thing is certain, that album defines a very particular time I my life. When I hear "When Doves Cry" or "Purple Rain" on the radio, it immediately brings me back to 1984. The summer before high school. I had so many dreams and things I was going to do with my life, but I really had no idea how to go about doing them. We were pretty poor and their certainly wasn't means to support my grandiose ideas. I was frustrated and self centered.....the life of a teenager. 

    When I got older I began listening to music with a purpose. I was learning to play the guitar for real and I needed to go to school. I needed to hear certain players and albums and learn styles and techniques. I fell in love with music from a different view, a musicians view. I found music that embodied my emotions in a different way. Lyrics were less important than the bend of a guitar string or the harmonic of a speaker beginning to distort. I listened to music that no one else my age was listening to or interested in. I am not saying this music wasn't emotional, the emotions were just coming from a different place. It fed my obsessive brain well. I could focus my energies on very specific nuances, rather than on love and sex. There's nothing sexier than Wes Montgomery playing guitar, but maybe that doesn't translate to every woman. I was self sufficient and kept my emotions to myself. They were not big and loud, they were contained and controlled for a while. 

    I tell you all of this because I didn't believe it would ever be possible again to have the experience of Purple Rain. I had told myself that was a time in life that you don't get twice. The coming of age. There were times when something got close - like "Room for Squares" by John Mayer. That was out when I began dating Laura and we were falling in love. We listened to that album a lot together and it always brings back sweet memories, but again I don't think I was truly "feeling" like I was when I was 14. I was jaded and older and did drugs and drank and the innocence was not there. 

    It was not until this past summer, the summer of 2023, that I had a full on emotional experience like no other in my life. I lost my wife of 20 years to pancreatic cancer. And she didn't just die this past July, she began dying the summer before in 2022 when she was diagnosed. With 9-12 months to live tops, that perspective will change your life forever. I walked around in a daze, a fog of hurt and pain and selfishness. She could no longer do anything other than try to stay alive as long as possible. It was the most painful year of my life, a true horror show. When she passed on July 31st of this year I was numb. I was tragically sad and gratefully relieved it was over. I was raw and open and strangely aware. I saw a video clip on Instagram by Miley Cyrus about a week after the funeral when I was getting home from Disney with the kids. She was standing in front of the camera singing teary eyed. The song was "Used to be young".

I immediately went to youtube to see the entire video, it was captivating. She was vulnerable and emotional and the song was melodic and full of honesty. As she cried during the video, I began crying. I just started crying. It all came rushing out and I got this feeling, the feeling that music was made for you. She was singing about getting older and sober and not being the same person anymore. It just hit me.

I downloaded the album immediately - "Endless Summer Vacation". 

I went for a long walk that night and listened to the entire album. It's not the kind of music I listen to much anymore, it's popular. It's very pop/rock but not perfect. It's edgy and honest and the lyrics are personal. I walked or ran everyday after Laura died and I have listened to this album everyday for 3 months now. I can't stop listening to it. It brings out all of the emotions I am dealing with and keeps them in front of me. I work through them rather than hide them. I believe thats what music does, especially for most people who don't play music. I have given myself permission to listen to music that has nothing to do with me playing music, it's just for me to listen to. Although it is having a profound effect on how I approach playing music. I am playing from the heart more and thinking less. Thats what I am always trying to do, but having had a very strong emotional experience with the loss of my wife, I could either bottle that up and put it away or let it all out and release. I am choosing to release and I believe it's because of this mindset I have been in the past 3 months listening to this album. 

    Maybe it's the music, or more likely it's me. I was ready for something, open to it, and music is energy and that energy found it's way to me. What I do know.....is that 25 years from now "Endless Summer Vacation" by Miley Cyrus will define the hardest summer of my life. It will define the moment I made a choice to not live in my head, but live in my heart. I became fully aware and open. When I hear those songs years from now I will think back to these defining months in my life just like I do when I hear Purple Rain. Who would've ever thought. That is the power of music.

    I have SO many things to be thankful for today. My life is magic, it's going crazy with nothing but positive. I am so happy and silly. I miss Laura everyday, but it's ok. She's with me every step of the way. I feel her guiding me, she's showing me where to go and it's all incredible. I never knew you could be so happy and grieving at the same time. I think you have to have the heart for it. I am living each day for Laura, full of love and hope. When I got clean and sober I began making amends. There were some people that were no longer alive or available for me to make amends to, so I made a "living amends". I made sure to give back, be a decent member of society. I was generous with those around me and truly tried to be helpful. Those are things I continue to do today to offer a living amends. 

Today, I will love for Laura. I will give love and receive love in her honor. Thats what she would want. I am open to all things and all possibilities and by choosing to live this way today, my life is amazing.

Side note: I just finished recording my new album

 “Life is hard” at Sunset Sound with Joe and Josh. It’s the same studio that Miley recorded “Endless Summer Vacation”.

Peace, Love, Zito

We have plenty of milk.....

 Today I am just going to be catty and sarcastic for fun......it's my sweet spot.

Everyone sends me messages these days, a lot more than before Laura and cancer. They offer empathy and sympathy and for some reason milk. I am told more often than any other statement "If there is anything we can do, just let us know. If you need milk. let me know." Apparently, during this process, milk is very necessary. I am unsure why, as we have plenty of milk. We have whole milk, 2%, and Oat milk. I have yet to see any of the girls laying on the floor with bowls of dry cereal howling for milk. Everyone wants to run to the store for me, which is very nice. But I let them know right away if we need anything from the store I AM GOING. That is my one trip out of the house for the day and you're not taking that away from me. Let me tell you, when I get to the store, I take my time. It's like being at Disney World for 30 minutes. I know that all of these wonderful people are just being super sweet. They're not sure what to do or say and just want to be helpful. I hope you're laughing a bit, cause that is what this is all about. I am so grateful to have so many people willing to help me at a moment's notice. 

Laura sleeps a lot of the day, is up a few times, hits a sweet spot around 4pm, and stays up until 9 or 10pm. There is plenty of time for me to go to the store, the bank, whatever. Obviously, I don't go too far away. She is on a pain management schedule that I am in charge of administering. In the other parts of the day I am cleaning the house, organizing my studio, and helping the Blood Brothers tour with hotels and flights. It gets boring and slow for a guy that is used to moving constantly. I don't do "slow" very well. I continue to run every day on the treadmill and do 120 daily pushups. But I miss the hustle and bustle of touring and moving around. Even in the past when at home, Laura was always going. She never sat still much. She was working in the yard or had projects she was doing. We were going out to eat and see the local theater group that Laura's mother is working with. Now it's just slower and calm, and simple. It takes more focus to stay here and stay in the moment. Laura has a port to drain fluid from her abdomen. She has ascites from liver failure. I have to drain her belly once a day and clean the port and change her bandage. The tape sticks to her skin and hurts to peel off. We have to use these pads to loosen the tape from her skin. It's a very slow and sometimes painful process for her. It makes me sad for her and I try to not get frustrated. I am also thankful that I get this time with her together to just be close. We hold hands and watch tv, and sometimes we dance in the kitchen to no music. Laura is in a very good state of mind. She laughs and is silly and fun most days. She's got great pain meds to help her and sometimes they work too well. She will kind of walk in circles and just start laughing. She says "Ok, I don't know what the hell I was trying to do just now." I usually tell her I am jealous! 

We have had several visits from family and friends. Of course, everyone wants to see Laura. She would like to see everyone as well, trust me, but it's just not always possible. Like I said, she sleeps most of the day so we limit her visits to maybe one a day and only for a few hours. She doesn't like anything to be loud or noisy, even if it's loud laughter. It startles her. The mood here at the house needs to be medium always. Not doom and gloom and not loud and wild, just medium. She loves to hear about how everyone's doing and what's going on. Her brother Kenny came over last week and told her all about his cars and trucks and what he was fixing up or selling. She was so excited. She loves when friends come over and remind her of fun times they had when they were younger. Obviously, everyone wants to talk to her about her cancer and how she is feeling but that gets old. That's pretty much all she has talked about for the past year and she's tired of talking about it. She wants to hear about life, not her cancer. 

I have to say, I feel the same way as Laura. Everyone who talks to me wants to talk about what I am going through. I get it. But I have been going through this since last April, this isn't new. It's all-consuming. I want to talk about music, guitars, tv shows, movies, comedians.....anything else, please. I get so many wonderful messages and calls from friends, family, and fans offering to talk to me. It's really over the top. But to tell you the truth, I don't want to talk about this anymore. I have a sponsor and some very dear close friends that I talk to regularly and those are really the only people I trust to talk about my feelings with. I don't need to talk to everyone about my personal thoughts and feelings. If we have never had deep personal conversations before, why would we do that now? I promise I know that people are just trying to be helpful and of service. I also know that when most people offer to talk with me what they're really offering is to "talk", not listen. Listening is very difficult. They want to tell me about their problems and what they think I should do or feel. When I do share with some people they try and tell me that I can't think like that or feel like that. They tell me I am feeling wrong and need to feel like they would feel. It's weird. When someone asks me how I am doing I will usually answer "pretty good". That is an honest answer. They seem a little stunned at first. How is that possible that I am doing "pretty good"? It's possible because I pray every day. I believe in a God of my understanding and I have a relationship with God. I have a deep understanding of life and death from being in recovery for 20 years. My sponsor and the program have been training me for a situation just like this for years. I am spiritually prepared. It does not make it easier, it just makes it doable. I know this is not the end for Laura. I believe in an afterlife.  I am also still hopeful and pray for a miracle. I won't stop praying for a miracle until she is no longer here. I have gratitude for the 20 years I have gotten to spend with this wonderful human being. Yes, I am sad I don't get 20 more, but I am not going to ruin the little bit I have left by being resentful and mad, I am grateful. Most people will have never lived and loved as much as Laura and myself did in an entire lifetime, let alone 20 years. What a blessing that I get to be here with her now. She saved my life in 2003. She saved me from being a dead junkie. I could never repay her for her love and support. To be here now for her and make her comfortable will be the most important thing I do in my life. 

People think because I do not cry in front of them that I must not be sad. I am supposed to show a certain amount of sadness in front of everyone so they can feel like I am sad enough. It's pretty weird. I don't cry in front of people much. That is just not who I am. If that is who you are, that's wonderful, but I am not that way. I have cried 1000 times over the past year. I cry alone when it's too much. I cry with Laura when we are alone. I don't have to cry to make you feel better. I have grieved for the past year and cried for the past year....it's your turn to cry and grieve now. I will grieve for years to come, but right now I have a duty to my best friend and to my family. I can cry as much as needed when I am on the other side of this journey. I also get a lot of messages about how we can cure Laura's cancer with some new herbal medicines or sound waves or ivermectin. Again, I know people want to help and I am not opposed to alternative medicines. But know this, Laura has a Rife machine that she uses almost every day. Laura takes dog dewormer for the past 3 months or more. Laura takes Rick Simpson Oil daily. We have tried almost everything you can think of and we continue to try these alternatives, they just don't seem to be working. But, we continue to try and hope. Laura had the best medical team at MD Anderson, thanks to a very dear family friend, and that team of doctors did everything they could for Laura and it just didn't work for very long. It's hard for us to believe that her oncologist couldn't save her but your message on Facebook about baking soda will. At some point, Laura just needs to live whatever amount of life she has left. She gets tired of having to constantly try and be saved. 

I hope you know that I love you all. I am thankful for your love and support for me and my family. It's overwhelming the outpouring of love. And while I cannot sit and have a deep conversation with each and everyone one of you, know that I truly appreciate your care and concern. If you want to know what you can do for me, please pray for Laura. If you're not a praying person, please keep a good thought for her. That is really all I ask for. I can get as much milk as we need, trust me. Also, Walmart delivers now. I know a lot of you want to come to see Laura, but she just can't see everyone. She needs to see her family and close friends. I try and read to her all of the comments and posts and messages I get when she gets up for the day. She loves hearing from you. If you message her and she doesn't get back to you, it's just because she's sleepy and slower and not always able to keep up, don't take it personal. 

I will continue to share stories of Laura with you and old photos, it's really fun. Laura loves to be reminded of these fun times we had. She never had a great memory, but I do. I will play my guitar on Instagram and share all of the Blood Brothers shows as they continue to tour. I hope you will support Albert and the band and go see them with Gary Hoey. They sound amazing! Yes, I do have a new album I have been working on for the better part of this year. It is a Blues album. Joe Bonamassa and Josh Smith are helping me put the song list together. Everyone seems to think I am going to write lots of new songs about this journey with Laura....but I don't think that is possible. Not right now and maybe never. I have certainly written a few, but that's all I can muster. I wouldn't even know how to write songs about what we are going through now. I have no words. I am lucky I can walk through it let alone sing about it. 

Make me laugh! I love you all and as Tommy Castro likes to say "Let's keep it fresh"

Peace, Love, Zito

Preparing for a hurricane

 First of all, thank you so much from the bottom of my heart for all of your generous donations and support to my wife Laura, and our family. We are forever grateful. And although we certainly realize that no amount of money will save Laura's life, it has given us the freedom to put everyday concerns aside and just be together with our family. This is a gift I can never repay. We would trade every penny to keep Laura here with us longer.

Having grown up in the midwest I had no experience with hurricanes. I heard about them on the news now and then and sometimes saw the awful footage of the destruction they caused but because they were so far removed from where I lived they were never really on my mind. My first experience with hurricanes would change my life forever. I was living in Port Neches, Texas in 2005 and Hurricane Katrina was coming for New Orleans. My sister Patty and her daughters evacuated to our house and we watched the destruction unfold on tv. It was like nothing I had ever seen before. Luckily she lived in Destrehan where the damage was much less and she did not have flooding. They were able to go back home pretty quick. Within weeks of Katrina, Hurricane Rita came for Southeast Texas and Southwest Louisiana. This was an ever stronger and larger hurricane than Katrina. It was unreal. We packed up the house, shut it all down, and evacuated to Patty's house in Destrehan. This was all like a movie to me. Very surreal. Within less than a month we endured two of the worst hurricanes in US history. I remember returning to Port Neches to see our house and area after the storm passed. It was like a war zone. Our home in Port Neches was on cinder blocks; half of them had been pushed down deep into the ground, so the house was bent crooked. All the door jams were off like an amusement park fun house. The huge tree in front of the house had fallen on the roof. It was a mess. After Katrina and Rita, I was now fully aware of hurricanes and the pain and destruction they cause. As the years went on living in Nederland, Texas we had so many hurricanes. I am told more than in the previous twenty years. It seemed like every year, at least once, we were packing and evacuating. Luckily for us, these storms never did the damage of Rita. In fact, most of these storms didn't do anything to our home or to our town. But we still packed up, locked the house down, and got ready for the worst because we knew what was possible. Most times we would come back home to the electricity still on, no damage, and almost a laughing sigh of relief. 

This is what we're doing with Laura. We're praying for a miracle but preparing for the storm. We know what we've been told by the doctors and her poor health is an obvious reminder that things are not getting better, they're getting worse. She is in more pain as each day goes by. We have all of the conversations you never thought you'd have to have so soon in life. They're not fun conversations. Making out wills, end-of-life directives, wishes, and hopes for the future of the family. It's heavy. It brings on a feeling of hopelessness just like the weather forecast does when they tell you how bad this storm is going to be. So, we prepare. But I always remind Laura of the times when we locked down the house, packed up our belongings and family, and ran for the hills only to return to an undamaged home and everything ended up being fine. We weren't mad or upset that we prepared for no reason, we were thankful. 

Luckily for me and my family, I am clean and sober today. I have the program and the steps. I have a wonderful sponsor who checks on me daily. I have my faith in my Higher Power who I choose to call God. I pray and meditate and exercise every day to keep my mind focused and grateful. I would be a mess and useless to Laura and my family if I was not in recovery today. It's like this beautiful program has been training me for this exact moment in my life. I play my guitar and I have been writing some songs as well.

So this is where we are today. We are making all the necessary decisions and provisions for the inevitable, but we continue to pray for a miracle that none of this will be necessary. It's not fun, but we try and laugh as much as possible and enjoy the sunshine. I know this comparison to a hurricane seems corny, but it makes sense in our heads and hearts. Just like when we evacuated, we have come together as a family and marriage. My job is to be Laura's husband. I am here to help her feel comfortable, safe, and at peace. I will make sure she isn't worried about a thing. I love her so much and I know she would do the same thing for me. 

Thank you again, continued prayers are so welcome.

Peace, Love, Zito

Run Run Away (Laura update)

 I am trying to continue making blog entries, although they are fewer and further between.

Of course, everyone asks about Laura and how she is doing and my answer is mostly the same....she is doing pretty good. Her treatment continues and probably always will. She had some setbacks in February and March with a blood infection and weight issues. That seemed to really slow her progress down. Her last scans were not bad but not great either, just ok. Some tumors got a little smaller, some got a little bigger. They are adding a new medicine to her chemo treatment to help keep the cancer stable. She has gotten much better over the last month and has gained back over 10 pounds. She is feeling stronger and looking more solid and less frail. Yesterday she got a nerve blocker to help alleviate the horrible pain she has been suffering from over the past year due to her pancreatic tumor. It hits two nerves and causes excruciating pain and suffering. When she hurts, it's hard to eat or sleep, bringing her quality of life down quite a bit. But when the procedure was finished yesterday she wasn't feeling any pain at all and for most of the day she didn't need any pain meds. This is very promising and she is excited about not hurting every day. That would make a big difference for her to enjoy her everyday life and put on more weight. More weight would give her more strength in case she got another infection or got sick. With her immune response so low from the chemo sudden illness can take a big toll on her. All in all, she is doing really pretty good right now and we are very thankful. She is a fighter and will continue to fight hard. We pray for any and all miracles, but we also are thankful for the miracle that she is with us right now, today.

My past behavior shows a pattern of running away. I run away from problems, intimacy, hard times...you name it and I have run away from it in my life. Ironically, I have always had this desire to run, like physically run fast and hard. I have never been a runner but I always have this idea, this thought that I would love to go outside and run as fast as I can. On January 1st of this year, I decided I would start running every day. I went outside and I ran. It felt good. I got an Apple watch and started monitoring my progress and my heart rate. I quickly moved to the treadmill where I began an Apple Fitness Plus class. Since January 1st of this year, I have only missed 7 days of running. My stamina is much higher now and I can knock out a 45-minute class with ease. I get my heart rate up to 160-170 most every day. The class is more cardio than just running. It involves hits where we push really hard for a short period of maybe 30-45 seconds and then we pull back to an easy walk or run for a minute or so and then go again. This has helped me to build full body strength and freedom. I no longer am so concerned with how many calories I have or if I can have a cookie or not. My metabolism is much higher now and my life has completely changed. I have maybe lost 10 pounds total but my body has been transformed. My core is strong and my energy level is through the roof. I sleep solid and I feel ten years younger. But the most important change this physical act of running has brought me is inner peace. My mind is at ease. The pain of my wife's illness is still there every waking moment, but my mind can stay clear and focused throughout the day. I am burning off the excess anxiety. It's amazing to me that what I have wanted all my life is to run, literally. When I physically run, I am actually running away from my mind and my worrying....hence my problems. My problems are always of my own making in my mind. Of course, I am not at fault for my wife's illness or all of my circumstances in life but I am responsible for how I react and walk through the circumstances. Physically running gives me hope and focus to do what I can do and be of service. 

Many folks are kind enough to ask me how am I doing through all of this. I tell them I am doing ok. That's about how I am doing. Sometimes I am just in what I call "Animal" mode. I am surviving. I do what I am asked to do for the family and I follow direction. I act stupid and laugh at horrible jokes. I watch silly movies and tv shows and listen to more rocking music because it pushes me. It may seem like I am just not feeling much and that's probably true. When I am on the road working, I prefer to not have a lot of feelings. They get in the way. When I am home I get to relax and love on my girls and that balances my life. 

 We have so much generous help from family and loving friends through this all, we are not alone. We thank you all for your support and love and prayers. Laura is very strong and she's not going anywhere anytime soon. She is doing things now she wouldn't have considered months ago. She is willing to do whatever it takes to stay here with our family, she is a fighter and I am so proud of her. 

We love you!

Peace, Love, Zito

Richard Pryor

Laughter: Most commonly, it is considered an auditory expression of a number of positive emotional states, such as joy, mirth, happiness, or relief.

The study of "Laughter" is called Gelotology.

I had some pretty terrible things happen to me when I was a young child. Things that should never happen to children. It was traumatizing and changed my life forever. I felt shame and was frightened of going to hell for what happened to me. The acts themselves were enough to ruin a child but the Catholic church added another element to the entire experience by scaring the living shit out of me night and day. I had very dark times when I was 6 and 7 years old. I was always afraid and ashamed. I got a guitar and a record player in 1978 and they would both change my life for the better. 

My brother Frank is 18 years older than me. My sister Patty is 16 years older than me and Judy is 11 years older than me. By the time I was 8 years old, all of them were long gone from the house. It was just me and my parents and a BUNCH of vinyl records that were left behind. Those records consisted of Led Zepplin, The Eagles, Heart, Jimi Hendrix, The Doors, Rolling Stones, The Beatles, Paul Revere and The Raiders, Jackson 5, and many more. But maybe more important than the music albums were comedy albums. Cheech and Chong, Steve Martin, and most important, Richard Pryor. There were two Richard Pryor albums; "That ni$$ers crazy" and "Is it something I said?". These two albums changed my life for the better and continue to do so today. I was 8 years old with two Richard Pryor albums and a world of hurt. I remember listening to them for the first time. His voice was just funny, he was playful. He did different voices of characters that made me laugh. Obviously, many sexual jokes and racial ideas went over my head at such a young age. I knew he was using dirty words and I loved it! But I didn't always understand the context. What I did understand and feel almost immediately was that this man was special. He was kind and full of love. He had a softness to his personality that instantly made me feel better. He was vulnerable. Even as a young kid, I could tell he was saying that life is painful and weird and that's ok cause it's like that for all of us. I could see the scene when he did voices and told stories of the wino on the street corner. I was there in my head watching him tell this story, he took me somewhere far away from my own mind and thoughts. My absolute favorite is of course "Mudbone". I would listen to these stories over and over and watch them play out like a movie that was only for me. I was enthralled by the laughter of the live audience. They howled, screamed, and cheered him on as he poured his heart out in front of them. I memorized all of the stories word for word and would laugh to myself at school as I replayed them in my mind. I couldn't wait to get home to put on my comedy records and just fantasize for hours. I loved Steve Martin and his silliness and adored Cheech and Chong with the stories and characters and sound effects, but most of all I loved Richard Pryor. He was just more real and honest and he always made me feel like everything was going to be ok. He instilled in me a feeling of resilience that I carry with me to this day. His albums became my religion, my sanctuary. I listened to them over and over all of my life. His understanding of the human condition continues to inspire me today. 

Later in life I became friends with Cyril Neville. We wrote a song together called "Pearl River" and it won a Blues Music Award for Song of the Year in 2010. That brought us together to write more songs and start a band called Royal Southern Brotherhood. We traveled the world with this band and spent many days and nights on the road together. Soon enough Cyril found out how much I loved Richard Pryor and we became much closer. Richard Pryor was a hero to Cyril as well. Cyril just loved him for all the same reasons I did. We would listen to those albums in the van on the road, quote his best lines to each other and sometimes Cyril would just ask me to recite some of Mudbone or the Wino to make him laugh. Richard Pryor brought Cyril and me together much closer because we both understood what his comedy meant and how deep it was, still today. To truly feel his comedy you have to have a bit of sadness inside and Cyril and I shared that feeling together. We understood each other much better because of this connection. 

I wrote Richard Pryor's wife Jennifer years ago to let her know how Richard's comedy was still bringing people together and told her about myself and Cyril and she took the time to write back to me. She appreciated my sharing with her and wished us well, very sweet.

On this last tour, we spent super bowl Sunday in Peoria, Il. The next day we went to visit the Richard Pryor memorial statue. It was beautiful and very meaningful to me. His comedy is like my religion. He always makes me feel better. We listened all morning to Richard and laughed our way to Evansville. His comedy never goes out of style. You can hear where all of the others after him take their cues. Some just blatantly use his material for their own. But none are as powerful or vulnerable as Richard Pryor. He was real and needed to laugh to get past the sadness of life. His comedy endures today. I am so very thankful to have found those records all those years ago when I was young. They were waiting for me at the absolute right time in my life. 

Peace, Love, Zito

"yeah I know Jesus! I remember when the boy got kilt, thats for real man it was on a Friday down by the railroad depot" - RP

Take a few minutes to enjoy Mudbone today:

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=d6hwsx8xnPM

Thanksgiving - Laura Update

 Happy Thanksgiving!

I hope you had a wonderful day with friends and family and were able to eat some good food. I was very lucky to do just that. I was home all week with the girls and we had a big dinner with everyone at my mother-in-law's house. Pam, Laura's mother, is an excellent cook and the food was wonderful.  I am always thankful when someone cooks for me! I don't think it gets any better in life. We played a big game of dominoes after dinner that lasted for hours with about 8 people at the table, which is usually really fun. But...I was accused of cheating. I had turned over 7 of my dominoes and they sucked and I had not turned over the 8th domino just yet and I thought I would trade it out for a new one before I was all in. Laura caught me and very sternly told me that was cheating and to put it back. Everyone had a giggle, except Laura who is VERY serious about "playing" games, and me. I did not have a giggle. I got pretty upset. I wasn't cheating and I got embarrassed if you can believe it being called out in front of everyone by my wife. I stayed upset for quite a while and just couldn't shake the feeling. Why was I so upset over something so silly? Normally I would be laughing and arguing and having fun but I was tired and emotionally sensitive. It all seems so stupid and trivial but I realized later that evening that I was not doing well with everything going on with Laura's cancer. It's been a lot lately and I guess I just have kept it inside and then I let it show over something so silly. I talked to Laura later that night and it made me feel a lot better, but I try not to bring that burden to Laura as she has enough on her plate to deal with just trying to focus on healing and treatment. I try to be strong, carry on, and make things as "normal" as possible in the house for her and the kids. People ask me all the time about Laura and then they ask "and how are you doing?" and I answer "I guess I am doing ok, I don't know." Which is really the truth, I just don't really know. I don't always take a lot of time to think about how I am doing because I want to focus on moving forward. I put my energy into work and music and the record label. I keep myself busy with guitars and work and that helps my mind to stay positive. But it's hard, it's been pretty hard. When I talk to Laura she sounds the same. When I text Laura she has the same personality and sense of humor that I love. Then I see Laura and I am immediately reminded that she is very sick and is going through treatment. I wake up in the mornings and the first thing I think is Laura has cancer. I go to bed at night and the last thing I think is Laura has cancer. It's always there, all the time, and never goes away. Of course, I pray and meditate and talk to my sponsor which all help a lot but it's still always there like a rash. Things are the same these days and they are extremely different and now the new normal. I truly believe it's harder watching your loved one go through this than if I had to deal with it myself. People who have been in my shoes have told me the same thing, they understand. I try not to make this about me, this is about Laura, but we all have to deal with this change in our lives. I guess I hadn't realized how I was feeling until I got caught swapping out a domino on Thanksgiving. LOL - onward and upward my friends.

So, how is Laura doing?

Laura is doing AMAZING! She is seriously kicking ass and feeling better than ever. She had her treatment changed back in October and it has made a world of difference in her quality of life. She doesn't really get sick anymore, she's not tired all the time and she's keeping her weight on. She eats really well and looks amazing. Her Doctor told us the most important factor in her healing is if she is feeling good and she feels really good. They run labs on her blood every time she goes in for treatment and they run numbers on her liver and her tumor marker for her pancreas. These numbers will show how the treatment is working. If her numbers go up, the cancer is growing and if they go down the cancer is shrinking and the chemo is working. Back in August her tumor marker number was as high as 6300. I don't really know what that means because it's all based on millimeters of her tumor, but that was a high number. Last Friday her tumor marker was 900!!! It has continually gone down over the past months. Her liver numbers are all down as well. It's been a real miracle to watch her slowly feel better. Her doctor is so pleased with her progress. They will run scans next Wednesday and we pray that the cancer has retreated and gotten smaller. Right now she is scheduled for two more chemotherapy treatments that will finish before the end of December. If she continues to do well and the cancer is cooled down the doctors will decide what the next plan of action will be for Laura. The options vary from immunotherapy, chemo pills, we're just not sure yet. The important thing is that the cancer is retreating and she feels so much better than she did just months ago. 

So there you go - I figured you should know what's happening. I will continue to try and keep you up to date on her progress and feel free to continue to pray, good thoughts, or whatever you got to send this girl some positive energy. We are doing really good and I am thankful for her healing.

We are also thankful for you. For the years of support and love.

Peace, Love, Zito

Life with Cancer

 Well, I haven't sat down and written my blog in a while.

With so much going on I haven't had a lot of time to reflect or think about life much. I have been knee deep in it and just moving forward. I have had plenty of time for anxiety and worry and stress, thats for sure, but I haven't really put it into words yet. I am not writing songs about this experience, not yet, maybe not ever. Right now I am just living day to day learning more about patience than ever before. Playing music has been a relief for me. Getting to sing and play my guitar has taken on a whole new life and it's my therapy. 

If you are not aware and you're reading this blog - my wife Laura was diagnosed with Stage 4 Pancreatic Cancer around the beginning of July. It sounds terrifying and it most certainly is, but it's much more than that. Those words have been engrained in our heads for so long, they depict a death sentence. But as I am learning along the way, in todays world that is not always so. The modern medicine and science available today is remarkable and life is not over with the diagnosis. A new life begins, life with cancer. Stage 4 only means by definition that the cancer has spread from its origin to another place in the body. That can mean one other spot or all over the body. Luckily in Laura's case, it meant one other spot. The tumor started in her pancreas and she has many tiny tumors that have taken form in her liver. They're so small they cannot be counted. The tumor in her pancreas is the origin and it's pretty big for that organ. When we asked the doctors how long this has been going on they replied 8 to 10 years. No symptoms, no blood test markers, nothing. Laura and I have an excellent doctor and have check ups every year, but pancreatic cancer is one of the worst to early diagnose. There are simply no symptoms until it's pretty late in the game. Luckily for Laura she began having pancreatitis and that lead to the discovery of the tumor. It was not caught early by any means, but there is still enough time to do aggressive chemotherapy treatment in hopes to eradicate the smaller tumors in her liver and hopefully shrink the tumor in her pancreas. As of now they do not believe it is possible to remove the pancreatic tumor as it has attached itself to arteries. But if they can shrink it in size she will stop having pancreatitis and if they can keep it from spreading further she can live with it. She's lived with it almost ten years already with no pain or suffering, the hope is to get it back to the size when she never knew it was there. Her team of doctors most certainly believe this is possible given her age and that is she is very healthy. But she may never be in remission, she may just live with cancer like someone lives with diabetes. She would get breaks from the chemo when the treatments have worked well and might be able to do pill form chemo when necessary or immunotherapies. Of course, if the treatments all work well, who knows what is possible. We are all very positive she will pull through this and kick cancers ass. She is a fighter and has a lot to live for and is certainly not giving up. She has a wonderful attitude and doesn't feel sorry for herself or cry "why me", she just takes it as it comes one day at a time. She's had a rough go this summer with many other set backs but I am happy to report that she's just had one of the best weeks yet and is really doing much better.

People have been wonderful all over the world. The outpouring of love and support is astounding. None of the well wishes goes unnoticed and we are truly thankful. Our family and our friends have been by our side since the beginning and continue to come to the house to clean and cook and make sure Laura has everything needs, especially when I need to be working. And I need to be working. Many people think I would quit touring and working and stay home to care for Laura, but that is simply not what is in the best interest of our family and certainly not what Laura wants. She will be retiring soon from teaching to be able to focus full time on her health and recovery and that will mean an income loss for the family. With all of the help and support we have from family and friends here at home, the last thing Laura wants is to think she is causing a financial burden on the family. She wants everything to stay as normal as possible for the kids and the family. She does not want me to stay home and stare at her 24 hours a day, she is not like that and never has been. This is why we always made such a perfect team - we both have careers and lives and we support one another. Our family is the center of our lives, it's what matters most to us. Laura will also not just stay home and lay around, she's not able to do that, she's a worker. She will continue to run the office for Gulf Coast Records. Shipping orders, doing inventory, and accounting. My touring schedule has been pulled back now that summer is over and I have made a decision to not be gone for more than a few weeks at a time. I want to be home to help with the girls and spend my time with my wife, but I still have to work. Many people have offered to start a Go Fund Me for my family or a benefit for Laura but we have thankfully declined each time. While the thought is generous and loving, we don't feel it is necessary. Luckily we have very good insurance because Laura is a school teacher. Yes we have medical bills to pay, but our deductible is manageable compared to the actual cost of her care. I am also able to continue to work to provide for my family and I will do so unless the time comes when I am absolutely needed to be home full time - we are hopeful this is never necessary. God forbid we are told that time is limited at some point, I will be home to spend every second with my beautiful wife, but we are absolutely praying this not be the case. 

People ask me "How are you doing?" - I say I am doing pretty good. I think I am doing pretty good... I don't really have any other experience in this matter to base off, but compared to how well I have done in the face of adversity in my life, I would say I am doing pretty good. When I was drinking and using drugs I would look for any excuse to run off and get loaded, but today that doesn't really cross my mind at all. So that to me is pretty good. I have certainly had my share of crying and feeling mad and angry and uncertain but as we continue day by day those feelings have drifted away. Thats what you feel when it's all still new. I call them "hurdles" - you jump through hurdles you didn't think you'd ever have to jump through. You jump through one and think thats it and then another one comes your way and its even harder than the last one but you jump through it and keep moving forward and eventually you start think there are no hurdles you cannot jump through. I have learned that this is our life now, life with cancer. Thats just the way it is, but it is life nonetheless. Laura is still here and she's not going anywhere anytime soon. I will take any life I can with Laura, because it's better than no life with her at all. It was very hard at first but as we learn more and more about the process of her treatments and see that she is feeling better than she was a few weeks ago, it all becomes "normal" again. I also have an amazing support team on my side. My sponsor and my recovery family check on me everyday and remind me to take care of myself too. I pray and meditate and exercise and give myself a break. I have really enjoyed playing my guitar and my music and being onstage more than ever. The music feels deeper to me and every note counts. I love spending time with my band mates and my friends and seeing all of the fans. They come and shower love on me and I know I am not alone. Life is much sweeter today than it was just a few months ago - it all counts. Laura and I are so grateful and thankful for everything we have and every minute we get to spend together and with our family - living with cancer has been a blessing in this way - it opens your eyes and your heart to what matters most in life.

The future looks bright. I am excited to head into the studio next week with my brother Albert Castiglia and the boys in the band along with Joe Bonamassa and Josh Smith to make the first ever "Blood Brothers" album. This band has been so special for me right now. It's so fun to make music with Albert and just play my guitar. I believe we will make an excellent album. It's very special for me because it gives me a break from being "Mike Zito". I get to be in the band, one of the guys. I don't have to write songs that are too personal right now or about this experience I am going through - I am not ready to do that, it's too new for me. We are recording some great blues and rock songs that are fun and energetic. I can focus on playing guitar and singing and making a great album - I know with Joe and Josh on our side - they will push us past our own boundaries and bring out the absolute best in myself and Albert.

So - life with cancer is pretty good...considering. It's always there. We try and spend as many moments as we can not thinking about it - but we are always reminded. Laura doesn't want to spend every minute of everyday talking about her cancer or thinking about it - she wants to live and laugh and enjoy. She wants to stay busy as much as she can and she wants me to play my music. I follow her lead.

Thank you all for the love and support and prayers - keep them coming!                                                   We pray for full healing for Laura.

Peace, Love, Zito

You can't keep it unless you give it away

    I am currently drinking coffee and enjoying the silence of the house. 

It won't be silent for long. Wind chimes on the back patio are really active this morning.

This is my favorite part of the day, the calm before the storm.

This is spring break week here in Nederland, Tx. The girls and Laura are off of school and I have managed to be home and not working to spend the week with them. The Nederland Heritage Festival is this week, which is a big deal around here. Lots of rides, food and festivities - it's a good time in a small town.

    Really this week is the calm before the storm.

We head out next week on the first "Blood Brothers Tour" with Albert Castiglia and his band. It's a massive 3 and a half week tour of the midwest to the northeast of the US. 21 shows on the first leg of the tour, 10 days off and another 19 shows. 40 shows in total between next week and the end of May.

It's the first ever Gulf Coast Records event tour. We had this idea right away in 2019 but the pandemic of course stopped us in our tracks. It's exciting and will be a lot of work for us all. Two bands on the road together, it will be eventful I assume. So this week is my last week of time home and off to just hang out, go to bed early or stay up late playing games with the girls. 

     Our mantra for this tour (and really every tour) is to "Bring the Joy".

We are out there to be of service to the fans and our friends. Play our hearts out all with the hopes that people leave the show feeling better than when they got there. That is always the plan when doing a show. If the audience has a great time, we have a great time. Most often the audience lifts us up. We get tired and cranky from traveling and miss home but the fans show up and give us strength and hope and bring us the joy. In return we can do the same for them. It's a beautiful thing that we are all addicted to, the constant sharing of joy and happiness to be alive and make music. It all sounds a little corny, but it's true. Every musician I know will agree with me. The audience lifts us up, we give back and lift up the audience. It's a bond that can never be replaced by technology - it has to be felt in human contact together.  It is the transfer of energy. The transfer must happen, it can't stop without a return address. When one party is always giving and the other is always taking, the flow will end. 

    There is an old saying in recovery "You can't keep it unless you give it away".

It's one of those sayings that seem contradictory. Like "You have to surrender to win". They don't always make sense to a selfish person. It takes time to wear that selfishness off and learn to become selfless. Thats a lifetime challenge. Take it from me, I was the most selfish person there ever was. For over 30 years all I gave a shit about was me and what I wanted and needed and deserved. I did not give at all, I took. I took and stole and cried and pitched a fit when I did not get what I wanted. It's taken years to change that pattern of thinking and living. There is a reason a selfish person is always unhappy, because the energy stops with them. They do not give it away, they only take it from others. The joy is not passing through them and the true benefit of joy is to pass it on. I have learned over the years that if I want my dreams to come true I have to help others achieve their dreams first. When I help enough people achieve their dreams unbelievably my dreams just happen. Because my dreams become helping others. In return I get whatever I want, and mostly I want others to be happy. When I lower my personal expectations it's much easier to be happy with any outcome. I don't worry about things today, I assume they will work out and they always work out. 

    So, I'm and going to make a dream come true for myself now and have another cup of coffee. This house will get loud soon and the silence will be gone until tomorrow at this time. I need the caffeine to cope with the loud noises :)

Peace, Love, Zito

Fat Face

 So let me be perfectly clear here........I am NOT writing this blog for all of you to coddle me and tell me how beautiful I am and pat me on the back and say it's ok.....LOL. I am writing this blog because I think most people relate and might get something from my experience and maybe a few laughs.

                                       Me, circa 1989, balloon tits and all. Photo credit Kurt Reese :)

Hi, my name is Mike and I have a fat face.

Yes, yes I do. I always have and probably always will. I am a 51 year old man who has a beautiful wife and family and none of this should really matter in the big picture of life. BUT.....it bothers me, always. My mother was short and beautiful and a little chubby let's say, not obese at all. My father was usually in pretty good shape his whole life being in the military and working all of the time. They were both short people. My mother's face was very round.....my face is round as well. We lived in a 5 room apartment in a 4 family flat and were not wealthy to say the least. My parents were much older than me and they grew up more poor than we ever imagined, especially my mother. My mother was raised in Ashland, Missouri and they had a dirt floor. They had cardboard on the ground or old linoleum but underneath was dirt....they were dirt poor. The most important thing to my parents was that we had food and that we ate everyday, that is literally all that mattered. We ate the worst everyday 70's style food there was - processed white bread, soda, ice cream, miracle whip, sugar, bologna, hot dogs, headcheese, potato chips....all the good shit! Of course my mother cooked and we had good meals in the evenings and on the weekends she would make a big Italian dinner with spaghetti and.....meatballs, neck bones, pigs feet - any meat would do. Pigs feet and spaghetti was my absolute favorite meal when I was a kid, I loved it! 

My mother constantly fed me - peanut butter and sugar sandwiches, miracle whip sandwiches, salami and cheese on wonderbread.....it tasted great, but not the most nutritious of foods. My dad would always take me to the Italian Import store on Saturdays and we would get olives, Volpi salami, pepperoni, cheese and really good Italian bakery bread.......this was and still is my all time favorite foods. My parents were older and I was like a grandchild with grandparents. We ate ALL the time. It's no surprise that I was a big kid. I was born 10 pounds and never stopped growing. I was bigger than most of the kids in the neighborhood and in school. I went to Catholic school my entire life and from 1st to 8th grade I had to wear a uniform. The uniform was a light blue button down short sleeve shirt and dark blue trousers. They sold these uniforms at Sears on Grand ave in south St. Louis. I was too big to fit into the normal size uniforms. SO...Sears had a lovely section in the boys department called "HUSKY"......thats where I got my school uniform. I had to wear HUSKY for 8 years straight. When I was a kid I didn't really care at first until I started getting called "Fat" and "Chubby" and "Big Boy" and "Tubby"......then I realized that the Sears section "HUSKY" was just another word for FAT Boys LOL!!!

Look, I won't bore you with all of the details of my fairly boring Catholic Italian South St. Louis life, let's just say I ate WAY too much, I ate a lot of SHIT food, and I was always the Fat Funny kid in school. It took me years into my 20's to develop an exercise routine and learn to eat better foods. Getting out of the house and around others made a big difference. But no matter what I did or how hard I worked at it, I always had a FAT Face. A big round, chubby cheeked, Dago Fat Face. 

Throughout the years I have developed what I would call a fairly normal eating disorder. I eat whatever I want until I hate myself so much that I will do something about it, then I don't eat anything for a period of time and lose some weight....enough weight to get to the point where I feel like I can eat anything I want and put all the weight back on again in a few months. Sound familiar? I know this is true, so over the years I have really tried hard to break this cycle. I have really learned to just eat moderately and stay away from most shit food when I can, it works and it's less of a roller coaster. Into my 40's and now 50's I am much more stable in my diet and exercise and really kind of stay in a ballpark weight range. But as I continue to get older, losing 5 or 10 pounds is NOT easy at all. It requires more and more exercise and eating less and less food. Most people don't really notice 5 pounds on me, my wife can never tell....but I can. It's in my BIG FAT FACE! I have made my way into a musical career which is awesome, but in the 21st century everyone and their brother LOVES to take pictures and videos of everything we do onstage - (which is awesome btw) but also a bit of a nightmare the next day when all of the pics are posted online. My first reaction is always "JESUS....that is a fucking fat face". I try and make it a joke and laugh or just let it go and realize it's nothing important........but I would be lying if I told you that it didn't bother me. It does bother me. It gets under my skin. I get this underlying feeling of dread and disgust. I see those pictures and think "thats not what I feel like inside" - I feel good inside and strong and excited, but seeing those pictures start to take that feeling away. I start to feel miserable and dull and not happy. Yuck. Why would anyone pay to come see that fat face play music? Disgusting!! (said in a Silvio Dante accent).

Obviously, I do my best to get over myself and be grateful I am healthy and very very blessed. I remind myself that the camera adds 50 pounds and the angle of the photographs are from 20 feet below and thats why I have 4 chins. But sometimes I get a little bummed about it all. So I tell my wife and she reassures me I look fine and I should give myself a break. So I do. I start to watch what I eat a little more and work harder in the gym. But the bottom line is - I think I look fat when I weigh 175 pounds and I think I look fat when I weigh 200 pounds. I think Sears might have traumatized me in the HUSKY section. 

so, to recap - PLEASE do NOT write comments telling me I am NOT fat and that I should love myself and how wonderful I am - That is NOT what I am looking for here. I wanted to share with you how I feel sometimes and I am pretty sure a lot of my friends and maybe fellow entertainers understand.  It's a touchy subject and I think I need to remind myself that how I feel inside is the most important feeling. I have to say, most of the time I feel real good inside. Maybe, I need to stop looking at all of the pictures and videos of myself and lose some of the narcissism. That's probably the best thing we could all do. I also need to just accept the fact that I have a FAT FACE.....always have, always will. It's the face God made for Italian Aunts to grab both cheeks and squeeze the bejeezus out of!

I hope you had a good laugh and maybe you'll feel better today about yourself, we're all in this together.

Peace, Love...Zito

Getting Older

 I know it's been a minute since I have made a post, but I promise I am trying hard to get back into a groove of posting thoughts and sharing stories. The blog is on my mind as I tour because so many people from all around the globe tell me how much they enjoy it and want more. Sometimes I just don't know what to write, but I think I just need to start writing again and it will start pouring out.

We have all been through so much the past few years. Stuck inside or cutoff from family and friends and so many people have passed away from Covid. It's been hard on us all. We have lost dear family and friends, but not all to Coronavirus. Many were getting older and had health issues, some were sick for long periods of time with other health issues. I think having so much time to spend contemplating has given me an opportunity to realize how fragile life really is in this world. When we are always on the go, you just keep going. But with all the time we have had to ourselves, there was more time for grieving....which I believe is good. When my parents passed away, I was always in the middle of work and raising my own kids and I don't think I had the time to really process the loss. It came back to haunt me in other ways down the road. I was angry for no reason, depressed and sometimes just didn't give a shit about much. But with this gift of time to grieve the losses and the setbacks, I think the anger and resentment is put aside. A lot of the time I will hear my wife, Laura, say "So and so died.....it's so sad, it's like everyone we know is dying". I tell her it's not "like" everyone is dying, everyone IS dying. WE are getting older and the older we get, the more people we know will be passing away, unless we go first. It's only going to continue to happen more and more if we are given the gift for another day above ground. Thats life.

My father was almost 50 years older than me. When I was 13 years old he retired and was in his sixties. I remember he spent most of his retirement going to funerals and wakes of all of his buddies that passed away. They would go and get drunk and celebrate their friend's life. That was mostly his social life that I can remember for all of my life. He was always happy to be the one still standing and drinking with his other friends. He missed the ones that moved on, but he was grateful it wasn't him. I think that is a good lesson. I remember my father always saying to me "Michael, you worry too much". That means so much to me now. My father survived WWII, saw a lot of action and was telling me that life is short and I should try and enjoy it while it lasted. 

I genuinely try and live by those words today. I try not to worry about much that is out of my control. I do my best to make sure my family is taken care of, that I try and stay healthy so I can continue to be a good father and husband and provide for my loved ones. I try to my best with my work and make it all count. But at the end of the day I think about what I could've done better and I give myself a break, I'll try harder tomorrow. Of course I get concerned with world events and Covid and everything the world is throwing at us, but at a some point I have to let it all go and leave it up to God. I cannot change the world events, but I can change my attitude toward life and bring some joy to my family and friends. I have faith that life will work itself out. I have not been let down yet. 

When I lose a loved one or a good friend, it hurts and it makes me sad, like anyone else. But ultimately I realize that I am getting older and thats what happens when people get older, they die. People get sick and leave us too young, it's tragic and painful. Life hurts. But I am still here for some reason and I have to continue to live. Those that have passed on would want it that way. My father would be telling me to stop worrying and live your life, it's short. 

I am getting older, we all are. I can age gracefully or fight it. I think I will try to be as graceful as possible. I am thankful for another day above ground and I will make sure to not worry so much and try and bring some joy to those around me.

Peace, Love, Zito

Give it what you got

 I know it's been a while since I have written a new entry. It seems I am always on the go and don't have as much time to get to my thoughts and feelings down on this imaginary paper. But I do take time everyday to be quiet and pray and get my head clear for the day ahead. 

We are out on the road right now and so happy to be working again. The band sounds fantastic and everyone is in a good mood. People are beginning to get back out and enjoy live music and it's really a wonderful feeling. After so much time apart, we are finally together again and the energy is electric. A lot of people come up to me and tell me "Man, you are on fire tonight! I haven't seen this side of you in a long time!" I try to explain to them that we are just excited to be playing music, which is true.....

But, I have had a lot of time to reflect over the past few years of Covid, I assume we all have. I had many days when I asked myself what the hell I was doing with my life. What does this all mean? I might have decided to stay home with my family for good and just make music a hobby. I was unsure that the world would ever get back to normal again. Then the 2021 Blues Music Awards came along and I was nominated for two major categories, and then I won both. I was with my family and friends celebrating my wife's birthday and we all watched the awards together. It was exciting and the pride in my wife's face and the joy in my daughters was overwhelming. I have been gone most of my life and they have all learned to live with me not there all of the time. These awards meant more to my family than to myself. I am not a proud man, I feel like I get lucky and most certainly all of the artists nominated are equally deserving. But this proved to me that what I do means something and the acknowledgement of my work made my family very proud. It means I am not just gone working to them, it means more. 

I also turned 51 this year and realized I am no longer just "50"....I am IN my 50s! So what am I doing? There is no time to mess around anymore, this is it. Sometimes I feel like I am an observer. I watch the band play with the audience and I critique myself harshly while doing so. That has to stop, now! Life is happening before my eyes and I need to take part in it every moment. I finally began letting go and playing what I felt in the moment, and I feel excited. I believe my energy level is at a new high and I am not backing down. This is it, it's now or never. Life is for the living and I am not going to watch my life go by anymore. 

Sorry it has taken a minute t get back to blogging, but I spoke with a few friends this tour and they encouraged me to continue writing and sharing, I will try my best to keep up!

Peace, Love, Zito

Too much is never enough

 

So.....lots going on, always.

We are in the middle of a huge record label campaign for our Tito Jackson release "Under Your Spell". It comes out tomorrow August 6th on Gulf Coast Records here in the USA. It's a BIG deal for sure. The Jackson 5 was one of my main musical inspirations when I was just a youngster. We have a video thats hitting today for his single "Love One Another" that is just way over the top. We have pulled out all of the stops on this one for sure. The video features Tito singing and playing guitar with his band and cameos from all of the Jackson family: Marlon, Jackie, Germaine, Janet, Latoya, Kim Kardashian, Chloe Kardashian, Magic Johnson, Chris Tucker, and so many other wonderful people sharing the message to stop the hate and "Love One Another". Who would've thought this is what we would be doing when I was 50 years old? Not me!

During this past year I have had ample time to make changes and work on myself. I assume we all have :) One of the things I noticed was that I had WAY too much shit. Like too many clothes, too many guitars, too many guitar amps, too much of everything. I was hoarding more or less because I could. When I began touring hard with RSB I began a process of buying guitars with my pal Devon Allman. We were always on the road and always getting paid and always wanting something new to show off. We would almost try to outdo each other and see what we could show up with next. Then we would get bored and buy each others guitars. It was fun and exciting. I also began to give guitars away, a lesson I learned from Anders Osborne. He told me we need to keep buying guitars and then give guitars away to people who need them. In return more guitars seem to keep pouring in from all directions. I love to give away gear. People think you are such a wonderful person when you give stuff to other people, but to me I am the one that is gifted the most with the opportunity to see someone happy. The Universe continues to put stuff in my path so long as I give it away. 

Well, with an entire year off, I had a chance to reevaluate my hoarding. Sophie and I counted guitars last March and the number was 57. I had 57 guitars.That is ridiculous. I can barely play one! So I began selling them and trading them and giving them away. I started to get this feeling I was not playing as well as I could and I needed to be learning more and studying and practicing rather than buying and hoarding. There was plenty of time in my life when I was lucky to own ONE guitar. I never stopped playing that one guitar. I held it night and day, it was everything to me. But that feeling had changed. I never knew what guitar to play or which one I liked. I just messed around all the time and never really got anything done. Since I was out of work for most of the year, those guitars I had hoarded came in extremely helpful. I would sell two or three a month and that would help pay the bills. I began letting go of what I did not need and deciding what I could never part with. I played the guitars that meant the most to me and a lot of the time they were not the most expensive. They had a story, they were from Laura or a friend. Maybe one of them was a guitar I used on an album or a tour that I remembered fondly. 

As of yesterday I have 15 guitars. I like almost everyone of them, most I love. I will still buy a new one here or there or mess around, cause that is fun, but I have decided if I don't play it and it does not serve a purpose, it has to go. The same with clothes and shoes and STUFF. This is all part of a pattern that goes back to my childhood. I grew up poor and we never had anything. In the end I realize that none of this stuff matters. It's the music that matters, the love. My family and friends matter and you matter. I will almost certainly continue to enjoy a new guitar now and then, that way I have something to keep giving away to anyone who needs a guitar. The difference is I don't need anything, or not as much as I did a year ago. It's a lesson I have truly enjoyed learning, getting back to basics. I see that maybe I have another 20-30 years on this planet and I don't want to waste my time consuming, I want to give and enjoy. I try to give everyday whenever I can. I don't care if others don't, I don't judge anyone. I save my money for my family to give my children and grandchildren (maybe someday) when I leave this place. I am not chasing anything anymore, I have all that I could ever want or need. I want to expand my music and my growth, but that doesn't require a lot of stuff.

Tomorrow "Under Your Spell" is released by Tito Jackson on Gulf Coast Records. Please order a copy, download digitally or listen to it on a streaming service. It's a wonderful record!

Peace, Love, Zito