Awakenings

I woke up this morning in Turku, Finland.
We have been here a few days, in the same hotel, which is quite a luxury
we don't see very often. Getting a few days in the same place can really make a difference.
You can call this room home for a while. Stretch out, clean your clothes, catch up on some
work and just stop moving for a minute or two.
I've been waking up my entire life, we all have.
Most often I wake up to an alarm which I have set, other times I just come to, slowly on my own.
We move so much that it may take me a minute or two to stop and think where I am, whats going on.
These days, I have nothing to fear when I wake up.
I am not waking up in some dope house or in jail or from a night of misery and shame.
I am just waking up to my life, and it's such a good life these days.

As I practice the spiritual principles in my life I take on a deeper awakening.
My heart and soul have been living this spiritual life all along, but my mind
didn't catch up until later in life. Practicing the spiritual principles does not
make me spiritual, it's just part of the awakening process.
I have been spiritual all of my life.
I will be spiritual long after this physical life ends.
When my mind slowed down enough to entertain the thought that their was
another way to live other than the hopeless life of addiction, I began my true awakening.
It was a very long term "Coming to"......

It took a while, a long while to come around. I am in the midst of that process as I  type.
Realizing that life is so much more than what is in front of me is an ongoing experience.
I still get caught up in the drama and the ins and outs of this world, we all do.
That is what "re-membering" is for, I need to take time to "re-member".
Get back to that understanding that takes all my worries away.
I am fortunate in my life today and by applying the spiritual principles,
I don't have much to worry about at all.
It is an awesome feeling of gratitude and serenity to "re-member" who I am and where
I am going in this life.
Anytime of day, in any situation or frustration, I can always go back and start over.
I never feel more gratitude than after waking up in the morning.
Before the world gets into my day with noise and problems and personalities and all
that shit, it's just me and the universe. I thank God that I am alive today and I have so much to be thankful for in my life. I often think I don't deserve all of this, but thats just an alcoholic mind.
I am still waking up as I type this morning.
It will be a beautiful day.
Peace, Love, Zito

Forgiveness

"Forgiveness is the renunciation or cessation of resentment, indignation or anger as a result of a perceived offence, disagreement, or mistake, or ceasing to demand punishment or restitution"

I was always of the opinion that no matter what I did, everyone should forgive me because I'm really not a bad guy, I just did some bad things.  I made some bad choices. I stole from you, but I am not really a thief, I was just high, or I REALLY needed whatever you had.
If I lied to you, it's because I really didn't know the truth..... I would lie to cover up a lie.
I was always the victim in my book. I did the things I needed to do because of some set of circumstances.  If things had been different, I wouldn't have acted that way.
I can remember being very young and always feeling very entitled.
But my family never had much money, so it was so sad and just a shame that I couldn't get what I wanted......so I took it. I needed it and you should feel sorry for me, I am poor and we can't afford it.
I always assumed I would make up my dastardly deeds by showing that I am a "good" guy.
I never actually took responsibility for my actions. They were more your fault than mine.
And I was offended when you didn't forgive me for my wrong doing.
Most of my life I lived feeling entitled and demanding.
I don't know if I ever really felt bad about anything I had ever done wrong, except when I got caught.
Then I felt bad for getting caught, but not really for my actions.
I always seem to believe deep inside that I had a right to act the way I did.
It's all pretty sick and part of the deep mental illness of ego and self-centeredness.

I also would certainly never forgive you, unless of course you forgave me too :)
Master manipulator that I am, I could turn any situation around and have you apologizing to me for what I had done wrong to you. You made me feel a certain way and I felt I had the right to this bad behavior. I honestly felt like I was justified in all that I did.
It was not until the lies and cheating and stealing moved onto a new level in addiction that shame and remorse really began to take it's toll.
When the stakes were higher and the lies were bigger, I began to take notice of my behavior and the effects it had on the loved ones around me.
I wasn't lying about small things anymore, these were life changing things.
In addiction, eventually you start to bottom out. You start doing things you told yourself you would never do. For some, they hit their bottom and realize the need for change and then change their life
based on the awful situation:  my wife is leaving me, I lost my job, I crashed my car....etc.
But if you are an addict/alcoholic like me - these awful things happen and you realize the need for change and pray to God that you will never do this again...........and then you do it again.....and again....
because thats the way it is.

In recovery, forgiveness plays a huge roll.
At first I am thinking that this is all about getting the people I have wronged to forgive me.
Again, I am thinking about me and not them - because it would be great if all my loved ones and friends would forgive me and love me again. I have a good excuse this time, I am an addict.
I wouldn't have done all of that shit if I wasn't!
But I learn as I go along that thats just not what its about. I lied, stole, cheated well before I was in full addiction. Addiction only highlighted these wonderful attributes of mine.
It's who I am, I am a liar, a thief and a cheat.
But I can change these things about myself, one step at a time.
I can become honest and trustworthy slowly over a period of time.
The real forgiveness begins within. Thats what I have learned in recovery.
I accept the true fact that I am selfish, self-centered, egotistical. I am a liar. I lie to get what I want
because I am so damn selfish. But once I accept this about myself, I can begin to make a change.
It starts with not lying, not cheating, not stealing. That gets easier with out drugs and alcohol.
I learn to think about my motives and think about what I am thinking about.
I question my reactions, my actions, etc.
Slowly I learn to tell the truth, to be honest and to not take things that are not mine.
I begin to respect honesty and most importantly I begin to respect myself.
I am human and humans are selfish. I am also dealing with a mental illness.
I forgive myself for being a sick human. But I also do not behave the way I once did.
The more I practice honesty and behave accordingly, the easier it gets to forgive myself.
Because nothing changes if nothing changes. But once I begin to change, I can start let go of my past and walk forward. Liar, thief, cheat - that was the old me. Today I am learning honesty, trustfulness, forgiveness. I have learned to forgive myself and in turn I have forgiven you for anything you might do, because you are human too. We are one in the same.
I have learned that to be truly forgiven by others, I will need to forgive myself first and not
take part in the old behaviors anymore. Slowly over time, my loved ones will begin to trust me again.
In order to be trustworthy, I must be trustworthy.
In order to not be a liar, I must not tell lies.
and my favorite - you can't get drunk if you don't drink.
so damn simple, but we complicate the shit out it!

peace, love, Zito

Humility or Humiliation

"Understanding that we are not unique is a good indication of humility."

Great quote from a favorite recovery book of mine.
I used to think that the word anonymity had one definition. It meant that our identity was kept publicly unknown.
Of course it does have this meaning and it comes from the Greek meaning "without a name".
But their is a deeper meaning to the word.
It brings about a spiritual principle that requires some thought.
It means that we are not unique. We are the same.
We are not apart, we are connected. We are one.
The spiritual principle of anonymity means that we remain anonymous for humility's sake.
We do not take credit for our good fortune or our good deeds, we know that they were bestowed upon us by a loving Higher Power. We are just the facilitator at times. When I cannot think of the word I want to use as I type,
I ask God to help me remember and the word is then put into my mind, almost immediately.
I trust that this care is their for me at all times, in every situation, available to us all.
When I write a song, I often think "where did that come from?"..... It came from the Spirit.
I am aware that I am not the "Great" one. I am not so great that I can think of all these things, I am borrowing them from the past or being directed by the Spirit. 
My accomplishments are gifts, I am only being open minded and aware, the result is from God.
I have to do my part, I have to be here, I have to stay connected, I have to stop thinking and get out of the way
and let the Sunlight of the Spirit shine on me. But I am not unique. I am anonymous.
I am humble and practice humility at every turn or face humiliation.
I lived my life in humiliation for years. I took credit for everything good that happened, and passed the buck to God for all the shitty things. It was God's fault I lost my family and lost my job. It was God's fault I didn't have enough money and didn't get my way. Someone else was at fault for my misdoings, but I was responsible for all the great accomplishments in my life.
Today I know much better the truth.
I am responsible for all the mistakes in my life, and God is responsible for all the wonderful blessings bestowed upon me. This is the spiritual principle of anonymity. 
I know that it is right to remain anonymous for my good deeds, and to not take credit for all the good things that come my way. I need to continue to share my good fortune with others, not as I am doing them a favor, but with the understanding that "what is mine is yours". This life of love and happiness is being given to me freely and I need to continue to give it away in order to keep it.
The spiritual principle of anonymity means that I am not unique, I am the same.
I am apart, not separate. I remain anonymous because it is spiritually correct.


Peace, Love, Zito

Feelings....fuzzy little feelings

"It doesn't really matter how you feel" - that's one of my favorite sentences ever :)

This can be a "touchy" subject (couldn't help myself), but their is truth behind the veil.
My feelings get the best of me. Not as often as they used to, but still I can get lost in how I feel.
Obviously, a lot of this has to do with just growing up and maturing as a human being,
but some of us just don't quite get a grip until later in life, and then again some of us never get a grip.
I was the worst of the worst. I would most always say "well that's just how I feel!!!"
I can't help it, that's how I "feel". Which basically means, I have no control over how I "feel".
My feelings are stronger than reality. They take over and I have no control. I say things compulsively
based on how I feel. I do things compulsively based on how I feel. My feelings justify my reactive behavior. If you hurt my feelings, I will hurt yours. I will cry and be sad.
Most often, their is no rhyme or reason to my feelings.
I over react, and often my feelings don't quite match up with the reality of the situation.
Just for understanding sake, here is a piece of definition from Wikipedia on "feel":

"Perception of the physical world does not necessarily result in a universal reaction among receivers (see emotions), but varies depending on one's tendency to handle the situation, how the situation relates to the receiver's past experiences, and any number of other factors. Feelings are also known as a state of consciousness, such as that resulting from emotions, sentiments or desires."

So......perception of the physical world does not necessarily result in a universal reaction?
You mean, that not everyone gets the same feelings from the same situation?
I guess that's why I am always looking for justification and rationalization for my feelings!
I am hoping to find someone else that sees this reaction of mine to be honest and real.
Because....here it is....wait for it........

My feelings may not align with reality.
Which means I may have a distorted understanding of the truth.
My feelings have a lot to do with my past experiences.
Which means I am not having this new experience right now, I am having
the same experience over and over from my past. I am judging.

Their are 3 sides to the truth.
Remember the Brady Bunch?
The kids would get into trouble- by breaking a vase in the house.
All we know is the vase is broken. Then the parents question the boys and girls on who
broke the vase. The boys have a story that shows that the girls broke the vase.
Then the girls have a story that proves the boys broke the vase.
Then Alice walks in and says she saw the dog come in and break the vase - the truth.
Silly, but a good way of looking at the 3 sides of the truth.
Your version, my version, reality.



I get upset or hurt over a situation. That happens to all of us.
In the past, I would just go with my feelings. I would indulge in anger and resentment.
I'd obsess over the situation. It would consume me. I'd have every right to "feel"
that way. I would never stop and think about the situation from an honest view point.
I would never ask an outsider for their input.
Today, things are different for me.
I am not allowed the luxury of "feelings".
I have learned from my past, that my feelings are never in tune.
When I first cleaned up, they were so out of whack!
I would get angry at anything and sad over nothing. Then when something truthfully sad or awful happened, I would not feel at all. I would be numb. Because ultimately, I don't want to feel
in the real world. I want to create my own feelings to enjoy for my self centered ego, I certainly don't want to take part in the real world with honest feelings of the life around me.
I would put drugs and alcohol in to cover up my real feelings, and then crazily over react to smallest things in life.
Perception is part of my disease. I do not always see the truth.
Like the Brady Bunch story - their is really only one truth.
But, I may not be privy to the truth always.
I may see it one way, you may see it another, and then an outsider may step in and reveal the truth to us both. Over time, I have learned to not trust my feelings, and in return my feelings have become more in tune.  It is a process.
It's one of those baffling struggles in life - I can't get credit until I have credit :)
Once I learn to question my feelings, and understand that I misjudge situations everyday,
my feelings will start to be more truthful. And truthfully, my feelings will become more calm.
I will not over react so much, I will just kinda ride in the middle lane, and that is a very good place to be!  My life before recovery was quite a roller coaster. The highs were REALLY high and the lows
were the LOWEST of LOWS! Today, most of my life is just medium. That may seem boring to some of you. You might think, that doesn't sound like so much fun, but it is the truth, and the truth will set you free. Freedom from my over reactive, inexplicable, ridiculous feelings.
When I get a strong feeling today, i question the validity. I call my sponsor or talk to a friend.
I ask them what they think of the situation. Am I over reacting? Why am I feeling so strongly?
The most powerful men and women in the world follow this process.
They have advisers. Before they make decisions, they talk to others to see if they are on track.
to sum it all up- most often it "just doesn't matter how I feel".
I have to carry on with my life. I have to do my work and take care of my responsibilities, regardless of how I feel. That is what being responsible is all about.
I have learned that feelings are like the special effects of life.
If we watched a movie and we heard gun shots and explosions but no one was shooting a gun or their were no bombs, it would be very out of place. If we saw them shooting guns and big bombs were being dropped but their were birds chirping and happy music playing- it would be really strange.
Special effects in a movie are their to enhance the story, if they were not in sync
it would be confusing.
The more awareness I achieve in my life, the stronger the state of consciousness.
The more the truth will be revealed to me.
I am thankful to the recovery process for helping me to get my feelings in sync with the reality of my life today.

It's a spiritual journey....

Well, I have heard it said that this life is a spiritual journey in a physical body.
I'm sure you have heard that before as well.
Spirituality is a process of awareness and understanding that their is more than meets the eye
in this world. Something else is going on under the surface.
I'm not here to preach, and I am not very religious, but I have a belief that everything happens for a reason and we are all connected by love.
We are going somewhere and this is just a small, small, window on the ride.
The journey begins within.
I learn to forgive myself. That I am not all bad nor all good.
I am a human being, with flaws and defects, and that is ok.
Their is nothing that cannot be forgiven, and when I learn to forgive myself,
I begin to forgive you. I start to see that you are just a human being as well.
You have flaws, you are not all bad, nor all good. You are doing the best with what you've got,
whether you realize it or not.
I start to accept myself. I am not perfect, inside or out.
I start to look in the mirror, literally. I used to hate mirrors, and hated what I saw.
I despised myself. I wasn't attractive enough, thin enough, didn't have the right nose or chin.
I also saw insecurity, humiliation, weakness.
We all deal or have dealt with these feelings. We are all the same.
Slowly over a period of time, I become more spiritually fit, I do the work, walk the walk.
I pray, I meditate, I take time to consider the world away from this world that I cannot see with my eyes. I begin to make good choices, help people, be responsible.
I look in the mirror and begin to be ok with what I see. Maybe I am not so bad.
Maybe I look ok. Maybe people see more than my looks, maybe they see something deeper.
I begin to have self acceptance - that I am who I am and maybe I like this person.
Slowly, I begin to like you. You are not so ugly either. I start to see a deeper you, their is more to you
than just your hair and your face. You have so much more to offer than your looks.
You are too are only human and we are here together.
I can honestly say, as corny as it may sound, I can look in the mirror today and smile.
I can smile at you. I can listen to you and realize you have something to say and I should listen to you. You are telling my story. We have so much in common.
We have the same feelings and insecurities. We have the same hopes and desires.
We are the same.
The spiritual life is just like the physical life in many ways - you get out of it what you put into it.
When I eat right, sleep right, exercise, I feel strong and confident in my physical body.
When I take time to acknowledge my spirituality, to pray and give thanks, to meditate and listen,
I begin to receive spiritual gifts: Patience, Kindness, Understanding, Forgiveness.
The physical life gets much easier.
I am not a guru of any kind, I am just a man trying to do my best and I fall short everyday.
But I am ok with that today. I know I am trying my best and I will try harder tomorrow.
I recognize that this physical life is such a spec in time, so minuscule, it will be gone so quickly,
and the spiritual life will live on forever, I need to make peace with my spirit while I can so I can try and enjoy who I am and who you are while we are here for these brief moments in this blue world.

This too shall pass

We have all heard this phrase over and over throughout life..."this too shall pass"
Often it is uttered by a loved one or close confidant when we are struggling through a tough time in life.
In recovery, as in life, you learn a number of slogans and sayings and phrases that are there to remind us of the reality of life.
We have lost a family member and this too shall pass. The pain and anguish of a broken heart and this too shall pass.
All of this being true. Time heals all wounds. When we think we cannot live any longer because of this pain, we continue to live another day and slowly over a period of time, we move on.
Well, I have no pain today, thank God!
I'm not suffering or healing in anyway. I'm very happy and thankful and had a great nights rest. All of my kids are doing well and my wife is happy (which means I get to be happy).
So as I take in a good morning and drink some coffee, I am reminded in my readings that.......this too shall pass!
Joking aside, it's true. We always use these sayings to comfort in times of need but they apply always. This is a huge part of the spiritual principle of acceptance. Life is not all good nor all bad. People are not all good or all bad and experiences are the same.
As much as I am really feeling good this morning, it's not going to last forever. Something will arise in the near future that will take this peace away.
I'll get caught up in something that might hurt my feelings or make me angry or make me sad and this happy relaxed state will be long gone!
Now, that is just the truth, like it or not.
And I am ok with that. I realize that today, that life changes and I have learned to "roll with the punches".
The best part in this beautiful realization is that I never get TOO angry or TOO sad over the upcoming shifts in my happiness. Life is not the crazy roller coaster it once was for me.
It's all kind down the middle and pretty even. I also have learned to really enjoy these moments in time when the world is at ease for me. Take it all in because it won't last forever. I don't anguish myself with what painful experience is around the corner, I truly appreciate my happiness and give thanks for the comfort in time.
These are the times when I pray and meditate. I get ready for what life will throw at me next. "Good times bad times, we've all had our share"
Life is moving forward whether I like it or not. It's on a path in time and when I can become in sync with the world around me, physically and more important spiritually, it's much easier to be here on planet Earth.
I realize today that this too shall pass.
This entire life will pass right before my eyes. What seems like forever will be gone in an instant and I better make the most of my time while I am still here.
Peace, Love, Zito

God Bless the victims and families in Boston. It hurts my heart.

Patience is a pain in the.....

So,  I reach out to someone, my wife, my manager, a friend and they don't answer their phone right away.......should be no big deal, right?
I've learned the principle of "Patience" in many ways over the years and in the big picture I have really embraced this idea of letting go of my feelings and attachment to the outcome of life and trusting that it will all work out.......wait for it....here it comes.....  BUT,

When it comes to these little day to day interactions, once again I am at a loss.
Subconsciously I must be thinking, Where are they? Why aren't they answering? Don't they like me?
Don't they realize I have something very important to tell them? Why aren't they just sitting there waiting for me to contact them?

This is of course just one example of my impatience.
When I get in traffic, wait in a long line at the store, can't get the Internet to log on, when I have to listen to you finish your sentence so I can get to saying mine (that's one of my favorites).....
The list goes on and on.
Obviously this is a little part of all of our lives, addict or not. We are human and impatience is part of the human condition. Patience is a virtue, a spiritual principle, it must be practiced in order to be obtained and even then I cannot live in the clouds, I have to come back to Earth with the rest of you and probably will need to continue to practice this life long process.

Like I said before, in the big picture I have really learned to embrace Patience.
I realized early in recovery that getting my life together and back on track was going to take time and consistency. I didn't become an addict over night, so it would take time to change my way of thinking.
It would also take time for those around me to begin to believe in me again.
I had let them down so many times, they were shell shocked. I had said I was sorry 1000 times, only to break their hearts again and again. My point here is, I accepted this form of patience.
I realize over time, in the big picture, everything will work out.
It always does, and usually much quicker and easier when I stay out of it all together.

Once again, it's the small, day to day life experiences that are what I need to continue to work on.
I remind myself to slow down and relax a little. Whats the hurry?
Also, if I take the time to look at these little snafu's as wonderful spiritual exorcises, I can say thank you for giving me a chance to "Practice" the principle of Patience.
When I get impatient with my kids, my wife or my friends, I have to stop and remember that these
are human beings just like myself- give them a break and give yourself a break.
It's ok to not get everything done today - what would I do tomorrow?
Am I just in a hurry to get life over with and die already? :)
In the end, prayer and meditation always saves the day.
I read my literature a little, say a prayer and let it all go.
In God's time, not mine.
Peace, Love, Zito