Thursday, February 21, 2013

A life long process....

Being restored to sanity is a life long process.

Well their you go. Thats just the way it is and I might as well try accepting that as soon as possible.
Although we live one day at a time, somewhere along the way I have made a commitment to this lifestyle and it's the journey that matters, not the ending.

I love any movie or book that deals with crazy people.
Mostly because I can relate! The best way it was ever described to me is
that "crazy people don't know they're crazy, thats why they're crazy".
So I love watching the movie or reading the book to follow this person dealing with their mental illness
and the process of finding out that something is wrong with them and they had no idea.
They had no clue. Like the movie ABeautiful Mind. What an excellent film dealing with insanity.
Here you have this amazingly intelligent man that changes the world with his mathematics and at the same time sees people that are not their and interacts with them. WHOA - C R A ZY!
He wasn't an alcoholic or an addict, but the mental illness is the same.
Some are sicker than others and the bottom line is most of us have no idea how crazy we are when we show up for the first time to recovery. I was under the impression that if I had more money, a better job,
could just catch a break, a new woman, better dope, I could manage this ridiculous life I was leading.
I actually believed that this was all someone else's fault. Their was someone else to blame for my misery and my inability to keep a job, take care of my children, and my life gone such awry.
It never really occurred to me that maybe I had a problem with drugs and alcohol.
It never occurred to me that I was doing the same thing over and over and every time it was the exact same outcome. I would tell myself that this time it would be different. I wouldn't do as much, I would only drink a few beers, I would only spend $20, I would leave when my friends left........the list goes on.  I never left when my friends left, I stayed way too long and was usually thrown out.
I have never in my life only drank a few beers! NEVER!
I may have only had $20 to spend, but I stole or found a ways and means to get more.
But it never occurred to me that something was wrong with me,, because I was crazy.
It did not occur to me until I went to a few recovery meetings and read a book and heard a few things,
like "1 is too many and 1000 is never enough".......  hmm.
I still went out and tried to do drugs and drink one more time, thinking I would try some different drugs
and that would make a difference. I had every intention of only staying a few hours. I had to be at work in the morning and I was doing pretty good, sober for about 30 days.
I stayed out and up for about 5 days straight. Lost my job, got kicked out of the house (again), had no money, no car and was out of dope.
(btw, this was certainly not my "bottom", as I had gone through way worse shit than this)
It just finally occurred to me that something was wrong.
This was not my intention, and then it hit me like a bag of bricks, THIS IS WHAT ALWAYS HAPPENS!!!  My intentions are never to lose my job, ruin my relationships, get kicked out of the house. My intentions are always to be social and have fun like the others, but the others go home when they are full. They stop. That was the difference, and I couldn't stop once I started.
I realized then that my mind had been controlling me against my will.......and I had no idea.
I AM CRAZY. I went immediately back to the recovery meetings and I have not left since.
It was only that little bit of hope that started it all. The hope of realizing something was wrong with me.
Only then could I take steps to change my mental illness.
It's a big pill to swallow and as I said in the beginning, it's a life long process.
Even today I am still pretty much crazy, though I have my sanity checked on a daily basis.
When I do not admit to my mental illness, my ego is in control.
I also have tools now and I know what to do when I start to get a little squirrely.
I pray. I make a physical effort at making a spiritual connection with my higher power and almost immediately I am relieved. I may be fortunate today to not use drugs or drink when I am getting crazy, but it still can cause problems in my life. My ego, self-centeredness, selfish, know-it-all mental illness can get in the way of progress. It can take over and I don't even know it, until I take step back and look at the situation from the observers point of view. I realize today that my mental illness is real and will never go away, but it is in check and will be if I continue to work the programs of recovery that saved my life and make a concerted effort at maintaining a spiritual life here on Earth.
So, here's to a life long process of being restored to sanity..... God knows I need it!