Thursday, January 19, 2017


Times they are a changing......

Change is life. Nothing ever stays the same, nor should it.
The good old days, are gone.
(btw, they were just old days- all days are good.)
I resist change like everyone else. I am set in my ways, and as an addict I am very much
in need of structure. But I have learned that the structure I need is in my mind and my perception
and not necessarily repeating the same day over and over doing the same things.
I have learned that my brain is a computer, more or less. Scientists insist that our brain is the most powerful computer we know of and they cannot quite explain how it works.
In my experience, my brain computer can be trained to follow patterns.
Just like the sidebar ads on facebook that try and sell me the guitar I was just looking at
on another website, my brain tracks everything I do and don't do. It also tracks subconciously
everything around me.  When I put in bad behavior and wrong thinking, it begins to process
this as how it functions now. Obviously the same goes for good behavior and right thinking.
Any patterns of behavior and thought will eventually become the norm in my thinking brain.
If I am taught to be racist, my racist thought patterns will immediately emerge when I see
a black person or asian person. My brain is trained from the moment I arrive on planet Earth.
But I have also come to understand that there is another thought process inside of me and it is
not always connected to my immediate brain, my spiritual mind.
My spiritual mind is the voice deep inside that is trying to reach me, my spirit.
My spiritual mind is my connection to God's will.
Some people find this connection easily and live a life immediate with the will of God,
others (like myself) do not make the connection right away. It takes time.
A set amount of circumstances and learning must take place slowly over a period of time for
this connection to be made. Once this connection is made, I can begin to reprocess my brain computer. Just like a virus or malware on my laptop, I can clean the computer of unwanted ads
and forced viewing. This does not happen overnight, like running some virus software.
This can take a lifetime.
But once the connection from Spiritual mind to my brain is made, I will want to spend the rest
of my life cleaning and reprocessing my computer.
I know this all sounds silly, but it is the most accurate way to describe the inner brain and spiritual mind.  I have two thought processes today - One is the thought that my brain throws up on my screen
because mathematically this the most correct information it has from past experience -
and then there is the spiritual mind thought that takes a minute to consider all of the options and which is the best choice.
The more I make the right choices spiritually and bring God into my life on every decision,
my brain computer will begin to process that this is the new behavior and how we will respond in the future. My brain computer begins to change and present these new options when engaged automatically. This takes time and many years of making the right choices after years (in my experience) of making the wrong choices.  This reprocessing will take a lifetime of change.
Slowly my spiritual mind will be the leader in my every decision.
At this point the details don't really matter anymore. What matters is at the core, my spiritual mind.
I begin to be open to change around me in the physical world, because the structure my addict mind seeks is found in my spiritual mind. The only routines I need to repeat are prayer and meditation.
The world around me can change and become turbulent - but I do not change in my spiritual mind.

Everyone is fixed on the transition in the Presidency this week.
Some have said they are so worried they cannot sleep.

Faith in God and a trained spiritual mind gives me the confidence to sleep well.
I have no worries of this world, I trust the Universe is in control.
Certainly I hope for the best, I am involved in my community and I stand up for the rights
of all. I cannot live on that pink cloud.  But at the end of the day, when I have done all I can do,
I sleep well knowing that my spiritual mind is connected to my every thought and movement.
I am one with my spirit and I am following God's will to the best of my ability.
I let it go and let God.

Change is always for the good. Even when it seems very bad. Something good must be on the other side. Transition is happening all around us.
I am thankful for the transition I have had in my heart and my soul.

Wednesday, January 4, 2017

Goodbye to Romance

Happy New Year!

Resolutions anyone?
Oh well, me neither. I am just trying to continue to try harder, be nicer and grateful.
"It's nice to be important, but it's important to be nice"
A lot of people were hell bent on blaming 2016 for a lot of pain and suffering, but it seems to me
that a number doesn't really have any feelings, so it probably doesn't care.
I have to say, I had a great year last year and I look forward to an even better year in 2017.
I'd say most of my happiness came from within in 2016. I learned to let go more and to stop
people pleasing: giving priority to people who did not give me priority in return.
Clean house, move on.
Thats not to say I am still not obsessive, but I am not compulsive as much anymore and thats huge.
Obsession ruled my mind for most of my life. But with help in recovery and prayer (and maybe some medication) I have learned to turn my obsessions elsewhere.
When my mind gets too wrapped up on one thing, I pray. I stop and breathe and try and clear my mind and then I pray.  If I am obsessing on a resentment with someone, I pray for them.
That almost always works. I pray that they have all their dreams come true and get everything in life that they wish. If my obsession is on which guitar pickup I think is the absolute best and that I have to have in everyone of my guitars right now and I can't stop the madness before I start spending money I do not have......whoa...I stop and breathe and pray.
It happens.

I have learned that obsessing over guitars and all the geeky elements of guitar is ok today.
It helps me to have something to focus on in life that is mostly harmless. (unless I break out the credit card) It is so much better than obsessing on sex or drugs or alcohol.
I heard an interview with Kirstie Alley and she suffers the same obsessive mind.
She said today she just enjoys "wanting" something.  She doesn't even really have to have it anymore,
just enjoys the wanting. I know exactly what she means.
If I get excited about a piece of guitar gear that I just have to have, I begin looking it up online.
Stalking it, craving it, dreaming. I watch videos on youtube of guys demonstrating how it sounds,
what it looks like. I really, REALLY enjoy that excitement. Once I make the purchase and it's on the way, I start to lose interest. When it arrives and I get it in my hands and I try it out, I don't like it near as much as I did before I had it. It has lost it's luster. The colors are not as beautiful, it doesn't sound like I dreamt it would, it's faded.
It's best to just enjoy the wanting, the dream.
This is fine when it is musical gear, but it is not good when it is sex or drugs or alcohol.
If I obsess over another person other than my wife, I am doomed.
It will end badly. Especially if I know this person and have access to them, not good.
If I have obsessive sexual feelings, I direct immediately to my wife.
I focus all of that energy to my partner in life. I think of how beautiful she is and sexy she is,
and how much I can't get enough of her.
If I begin to even think about how much I might enjoy a beer with my friends, I put that shit to a halt pronto. THIS will not end well at all if I go any further. I play the tape forward and think about what will happen if I drink one beer - I will drink 10 beers, then some whiskey, then buy some cocaine or crack and stay awake for the next 5 days. That is what ALWAYS happens when I drink "one" beer.
So, I immediately pray. I focus all of that energy of wanting to feel different to my spiritual life, my Higher Power. I always feel better when I pray. The energy I receive from my spiritual life is the greatest feeling on Earth. No drug or alcohol can even come close.

The "wanting" is part of romance. The romance is not a bad thing, it just needs to be directed today.
The romance was lost years ago with drugs and alcohol.
It's not funny, it's not cute and it's not romantic......not for me.
I am only romantic with one person on this planet, my wife, and it is the greatest romance I have known.

The romance continues with guitars and amplifiers and pedals and strings and picks and cords.......
(although I have become monogamous with most all of these, to some degree or another)

The wanting is part of life. It's who I am.
Prayer and Spirituality have taught me to "want" what I already have.
Remember why I wanted it in the first place and make it great again.

The greatest romance of all is within. I have learned to love myself inside and out.
I want to be me today, not anyone else.
This is how I look, this is how I feel.
I like me. I am a child of the Universe and I have a right to be here, we all do.