Wednesday, October 11, 2023

Endless Summer Vacation

I was 14 years old in 1984. I was in 8th grade at Holy Family Catholic School in South St. Louis. I loved music with a passion. I listened to anything and everything. I especially loved music that had a lot of energy. Music that made me feel alive and excited. Music that was emotional and sometimes sad. I was falling in love with every girl in my class and of course I was crazy for Molly Ringwald. There were so many albums that played a huge role in this time period in my life: Michael Jackson/Thriller (actually 83), Bruce Springsteen/Born in the USA, Madonna/Like a Virgin, Van Halen/1984, but most of all was Prince "Purple Rain". I LOVED that movie and listened to that album over and over and over and over. I know every scream, every inflection, every note, every beat. It's one of my all time favorite albums and especially important for me at the age of 14. It had great songs, amazing singing, incredible guitar playing, imagery, it was sexual, passionate, profound, and full of angst and emotion. Everything that was running through my veins as a hormonal teenage boy. It summed up my life in 8th grade. I wanted to be Prince, sing like him, play like him, dance like him. 

    I don't always listen to Purple Rain anymore. Maybe once a year I go down memory lane and listen to the album for nostalgia. I still enjoy all of the music, but it also reminds of this time in my life. It wasn't a "bad" time, it was a great time. But a time that was emotional. I was insecure, sensitive, and vulnerable. It brings me back to feelings that were not so pleasant then and maybe they're still not now. One thing is certain, that album defines a very particular time I my life. When I hear "When Doves Cry" or "Purple Rain" on the radio, it immediately brings me back to 1984. The summer before high school. I had so many dreams and things I was going to do with my life, but I really had no idea how to go about doing them. We were pretty poor and their certainly wasn't means to support my grandiose ideas. I was frustrated and self centered.....the life of a teenager. 

    When I got older I began listening to music with a purpose. I was learning to play the guitar for real and I needed to go to school. I needed to hear certain players and albums and learn styles and techniques. I fell in love with music from a different view, a musicians view. I found music that embodied my emotions in a different way. Lyrics were less important than the bend of a guitar string or the harmonic of a speaker beginning to distort. I listened to music that no one else my age was listening to or interested in. I am not saying this music wasn't emotional, the emotions were just coming from a different place. It fed my obsessive brain well. I could focus my energies on very specific nuances, rather than on love and sex. There's nothing sexier than Wes Montgomery playing guitar, but maybe that doesn't translate to every woman. I was self sufficient and kept my emotions to myself. They were not big and loud, they were contained and controlled for a while. 

    I tell you all of this because I didn't believe it would ever be possible again to have the experience of Purple Rain. I had told myself that was a time in life that you don't get twice. The coming of age. There were times when something got close - like "Room for Squares" by John Mayer. That was out when I began dating Laura and we were falling in love. We listened to that album a lot together and it always brings back sweet memories, but again I don't think I was truly "feeling" like I was when I was 14. I was jaded and older and did drugs and drank and the innocence was not there. 

    It was not until this past summer, the summer of 2023, that I had a full on emotional experience like no other in my life. I lost my wife of 20 years to pancreatic cancer. And she didn't just die this past July, she began dying the summer before in 2022 when she was diagnosed. With 9-12 months to live tops, that perspective will change your life forever. I walked around in a daze, a fog of hurt and pain and selfishness. She could no longer do anything other than try to stay alive as long as possible. It was the most painful year of my life, a true horror show. When she passed on July 31st of this year I was numb. I was tragically sad and gratefully relieved it was over. I was raw and open and strangely aware. I saw a video clip on Instagram by Miley Cyrus about a week after the funeral when I was getting home from Disney with the kids. She was standing in front of the camera singing teary eyed. The song was "Used to be young".
I immediately went to youtube to see the entire video, it was captivating. She was vulnerable and emotional and the song was melodic and full of honesty. As she cried during the video, I began crying. I just started crying. It all came rushing out and I got this feeling, the feeling that music was made for you. She was singing about getting older and sober and not being the same person anymore. It just hit me.
I downloaded the album immediately - "Endless Summer Vacation". 
I went for a long walk that night and listened to the entire album. It's not the kind of music I listen to much anymore, it's popular. It's very pop/rock but not perfect. It's edgy and honest and the lyrics are personal. I walked or ran everyday after Laura died and I have listened to this album everyday for 3 months now. I can't stop listening to it. It brings out all of the emotions I am dealing with and keeps them in front of me. I work through them rather than hide them. I believe thats what music does, especially for most people who don't play music. I have given myself permission to listen to music that has nothing to do with me playing music, it's just for me to listen to. Although it is having a profound effect on how I approach playing music. I am playing from the heart more and thinking less. Thats what I am always trying to do, but having had a very strong emotional experience with the loss of my wife, I could either bottle that up and put it away or let it all out and release. I am choosing to release and I believe it's because of this mindset I have been in the past 3 months listening to this album. 

    Maybe it's the music, or more likely it's me. I was ready for something, open to it, and music is energy and that energy found it's way to me. What I do know.....is that 25 years from now "Endless Summer Vacation" by Miley Cyrus will define the hardest summer of my life. It will define the moment I made a choice to not live in my head, but live in my heart. I became fully aware and open. When I hear those songs years from now I will think back to these defining months in my life just like I do when I hear Purple Rain. Who would've ever thought. That is the power of music.

    I have SO many things to be thankful for today. My life is magic, it's going crazy with nothing but positive. I am so happy and silly. I miss Laura everyday, but it's ok. She's with me every step of the way. I feel her guiding me, she's showing me where to go and it's all incredible. I never knew you could be so happy and grieving at the same time. I think you have to have the heart for it. I am living each day for Laura, full of love and hope. When I got clean and sober I began making amends. There were some people that were no longer alive or available for me to make amends to, so I made a "living amends". I made sure to give back, be a decent member of society. I was generous with those around me and truly tried to be helpful. Those are things I continue to do today to offer a living amends. 

Today, I will love for Laura. I will give love and receive love in her honor. Thats what she would want. I am open to all things and all possibilities and by choosing to live this way today, my life is amazing.

Side note: I just finished recording my new album
 “Life is hard” at Sunset Sound with Joe and Josh. It’s the same studio that Miley recorded “Endless Summer Vacation”.

Peace, Love, Zito


Monday, July 10, 2023

We have plenty of milk.....

 Today I am just going to be catty and sarcastic for fun......it's my sweet spot.

Everyone sends me messages these days, a lot more than before Laura and cancer. They offer empathy and sympathy and for some reason milk. I am told more often than any other statement "If there is anything we can do, just let us know. If you need milk. let me know." Apparently, during this process, milk is very necessary. I am unsure why, as we have plenty of milk. We have whole milk, 2%, and Oat milk. I have yet to see any of the girls laying on the floor with bowls of dry cereal howling for milk. Everyone wants to run to the store for me, which is very nice. But I let them know right away if we need anything from the store I AM GOING. That is my one trip out of the house for the day and you're not taking that away from me. Let me tell you, when I get to the store, I take my time. It's like being at Disney World for 30 minutes. I know that all of these wonderful people are just being super sweet. They're not sure what to do or say and just want to be helpful. I hope you're laughing a bit, cause that is what this is all about. I am so grateful to have so many people willing to help me at a moment's notice. 

Laura sleeps a lot of the day, is up a few times, hits a sweet spot around 4pm, and stays up until 9 or 10pm. There is plenty of time for me to go to the store, the bank, whatever. Obviously, I don't go too far away. She is on a pain management schedule that I am in charge of administering. In the other parts of the day I am cleaning the house, organizing my studio, and helping the Blood Brothers tour with hotels and flights. It gets boring and slow for a guy that is used to moving constantly. I don't do "slow" very well. I continue to run every day on the treadmill and do 120 daily pushups. But I miss the hustle and bustle of touring and moving around. Even in the past when at home, Laura was always going. She never sat still much. She was working in the yard or had projects she was doing. We were going out to eat and see the local theater group that Laura's mother is working with. Now it's just slower and calm, and simple. It takes more focus to stay here and stay in the moment. Laura has a port to drain fluid from her abdomen. She has ascites from liver failure. I have to drain her belly once a day and clean the port and change her bandage. The tape sticks to her skin and hurts to peel off. We have to use these pads to loosen the tape from her skin. It's a very slow and sometimes painful process for her. It makes me sad for her and I try to not get frustrated. I am also thankful that I get this time with her together to just be close. We hold hands and watch tv, and sometimes we dance in the kitchen to no music. Laura is in a very good state of mind. She laughs and is silly and fun most days. She's got great pain meds to help her and sometimes they work too well. She will kind of walk in circles and just start laughing. She says "Ok, I don't know what the hell I was trying to do just now." I usually tell her I am jealous! 

We have had several visits from family and friends. Of course, everyone wants to see Laura. She would like to see everyone as well, trust me, but it's just not always possible. Like I said, she sleeps most of the day so we limit her visits to maybe one a day and only for a few hours. She doesn't like anything to be loud or noisy, even if it's loud laughter. It startles her. The mood here at the house needs to be medium always. Not doom and gloom and not loud and wild, just medium. She loves to hear about how everyone's doing and what's going on. Her brother Kenny came over last week and told her all about his cars and trucks and what he was fixing up or selling. She was so excited. She loves when friends come over and remind her of fun times they had when they were younger. Obviously, everyone wants to talk to her about her cancer and how she is feeling but that gets old. That's pretty much all she has talked about for the past year and she's tired of talking about it. She wants to hear about life, not her cancer. 

I have to say, I feel the same way as Laura. Everyone who talks to me wants to talk about what I am going through. I get it. But I have been going through this since last April, this isn't new. It's all-consuming. I want to talk about music, guitars, tv shows, movies, comedians.....anything else, please. I get so many wonderful messages and calls from friends, family, and fans offering to talk to me. It's really over the top. But to tell you the truth, I don't want to talk about this anymore. I have a sponsor and some very dear close friends that I talk to regularly and those are really the only people I trust to talk about my feelings with. I don't need to talk to everyone about my personal thoughts and feelings. If we have never had deep personal conversations before, why would we do that now? I promise I know that people are just trying to be helpful and of service. I also know that when most people offer to talk with me what they're really offering is to "talk", not listen. Listening is very difficult. They want to tell me about their problems and what they think I should do or feel. When I do share with some people they try and tell me that I can't think like that or feel like that. They tell me I am feeling wrong and need to feel like they would feel. It's weird. When someone asks me how I am doing I will usually answer "pretty good". That is an honest answer. They seem a little stunned at first. How is that possible that I am doing "pretty good"? It's possible because I pray every day. I believe in a God of my understanding and I have a relationship with God. I have a deep understanding of life and death from being in recovery for 20 years. My sponsor and the program have been training me for a situation just like this for years. I am spiritually prepared. It does not make it easier, it just makes it doable. I know this is not the end for Laura. I believe in an afterlife.  I am also still hopeful and pray for a miracle. I won't stop praying for a miracle until she is no longer here. I have gratitude for the 20 years I have gotten to spend with this wonderful human being. Yes, I am sad I don't get 20 more, but I am not going to ruin the little bit I have left by being resentful and mad, I am grateful. Most people will have never lived and loved as much as Laura and myself did in an entire lifetime, let alone 20 years. What a blessing that I get to be here with her now. She saved my life in 2003. She saved me from being a dead junkie. I could never repay her for her love and support. To be here now for her and make her comfortable will be the most important thing I do in my life. 

People think because I do not cry in front of them that I must not be sad. I am supposed to show a certain amount of sadness in front of everyone so they can feel like I am sad enough. It's pretty weird. I don't cry in front of people much. That is just not who I am. If that is who you are, that's wonderful, but I am not that way. I have cried 1000 times over the past year. I cry alone when it's too much. I cry with Laura when we are alone. I don't have to cry to make you feel better. I have grieved for the past year and cried for the past year....it's your turn to cry and grieve now. I will grieve for years to come, but right now I have a duty to my best friend and to my family. I can cry as much as needed when I am on the other side of this journey. I also get a lot of messages about how we can cure Laura's cancer with some new herbal medicines or sound waves or ivermectin. Again, I know people want to help and I am not opposed to alternative medicines. But know this, Laura has a Rife machine that she uses almost every day. Laura takes dog dewormer for the past 3 months or more. Laura takes Rick Simpson Oil daily. We have tried almost everything you can think of and we continue to try these alternatives, they just don't seem to be working. But, we continue to try and hope. Laura had the best medical team at MD Anderson, thanks to a very dear family friend, and that team of doctors did everything they could for Laura and it just didn't work for very long. It's hard for us to believe that her oncologist couldn't save her but your message on Facebook about baking soda will. At some point, Laura just needs to live whatever amount of life she has left. She gets tired of having to constantly try and be saved. 

I hope you know that I love you all. I am thankful for your love and support for me and my family. It's overwhelming the outpouring of love. And while I cannot sit and have a deep conversation with each and everyone one of you, know that I truly appreciate your care and concern. If you want to know what you can do for me, please pray for Laura. If you're not a praying person, please keep a good thought for her. That is really all I ask for. I can get as much milk as we need, trust me. Also, Walmart delivers now. I know a lot of you want to come to see Laura, but she just can't see everyone. She needs to see her family and close friends. I try and read to her all of the comments and posts and messages I get when she gets up for the day. She loves hearing from you. If you message her and she doesn't get back to you, it's just because she's sleepy and slower and not always able to keep up, don't take it personal. 

I will continue to share stories of Laura with you and old photos, it's really fun. Laura loves to be reminded of these fun times we had. She never had a great memory, but I do. I will play my guitar on Instagram and share all of the Blood Brothers shows as they continue to tour. I hope you will support Albert and the band and go see them with Gary Hoey. They sound amazing! Yes, I do have a new album I have been working on for the better part of this year. It is a Blues album. Joe Bonamassa and Josh Smith are helping me put the song list together. Everyone seems to think I am going to write lots of new songs about this journey with Laura....but I don't think that is possible. Not right now and maybe never. I have certainly written a few, but that's all I can muster. I wouldn't even know how to write songs about what we are going through now. I have no words. I am lucky I can walk through it let alone sing about it. 

Make me laugh! I love you all and as Tommy Castro likes to say "Let's keep it fresh"

Peace, Love, Zito

Monday, July 3, 2023

Preparing for a hurricane

 First of all, thank you so much from the bottom of my heart for all of your generous donations and support to my wife Laura, and our family. We are forever grateful. And although we certainly realize that no amount of money will save Laura's life, it has given us the freedom to put everyday concerns aside and just be together with our family. This is a gift I can never repay. We would trade every penny to keep Laura here with us longer.

Having grown up in the midwest I had no experience with hurricanes. I heard about them on the news now and then and sometimes saw the awful footage of the destruction they caused but because they were so far removed from where I lived they were never really on my mind. My first experience with hurricanes would change my life forever. I was living in Port Neches, Texas in 2005 and Hurricane Katrina was coming for New Orleans. My sister Patty and her daughters evacuated to our house and we watched the destruction unfold on tv. It was like nothing I had ever seen before. Luckily she lived in Destrehan where the damage was much less and she did not have flooding. They were able to go back home pretty quick. Within weeks of Katrina, Hurricane Rita came for Southeast Texas and Southwest Louisiana. This was an ever stronger and larger hurricane than Katrina. It was unreal. We packed up the house, shut it all down, and evacuated to Patty's house in Destrehan. This was all like a movie to me. Very surreal. Within less than a month we endured two of the worst hurricanes in US history. I remember returning to Port Neches to see our house and area after the storm passed. It was like a war zone. Our home in Port Neches was on cinder blocks; half of them had been pushed down deep into the ground, so the house was bent crooked. All the door jams were off like an amusement park fun house. The huge tree in front of the house had fallen on the roof. It was a mess. After Katrina and Rita, I was now fully aware of hurricanes and the pain and destruction they cause. As the years went on living in Nederland, Texas we had so many hurricanes. I am told more than in the previous twenty years. It seemed like every year, at least once, we were packing and evacuating. Luckily for us, these storms never did the damage of Rita. In fact, most of these storms didn't do anything to our home or to our town. But we still packed up, locked the house down, and got ready for the worst because we knew what was possible. Most times we would come back home to the electricity still on, no damage, and almost a laughing sigh of relief. 

This is what we're doing with Laura. We're praying for a miracle but preparing for the storm. We know what we've been told by the doctors and her poor health is an obvious reminder that things are not getting better, they're getting worse. She is in more pain as each day goes by. We have all of the conversations you never thought you'd have to have so soon in life. They're not fun conversations. Making out wills, end-of-life directives, wishes, and hopes for the future of the family. It's heavy. It brings on a feeling of hopelessness just like the weather forecast does when they tell you how bad this storm is going to be. So, we prepare. But I always remind Laura of the times when we locked down the house, packed up our belongings and family, and ran for the hills only to return to an undamaged home and everything ended up being fine. We weren't mad or upset that we prepared for no reason, we were thankful. 

Luckily for me and my family, I am clean and sober today. I have the program and the steps. I have a wonderful sponsor who checks on me daily. I have my faith in my Higher Power who I choose to call God. I pray and meditate and exercise every day to keep my mind focused and grateful. I would be a mess and useless to Laura and my family if I was not in recovery today. It's like this beautiful program has been training me for this exact moment in my life. I play my guitar and I have been writing some songs as well.

So this is where we are today. We are making all the necessary decisions and provisions for the inevitable, but we continue to pray for a miracle that none of this will be necessary. It's not fun, but we try and laugh as much as possible and enjoy the sunshine. I know this comparison to a hurricane seems corny, but it makes sense in our heads and hearts. Just like when we evacuated, we have come together as a family and marriage. My job is to be Laura's husband. I am here to help her feel comfortable, safe, and at peace. I will make sure she isn't worried about a thing. I love her so much and I know she would do the same thing for me. 

Thank you again, continued prayers are so welcome.


Peace, Love, Zito

Tuesday, April 25, 2023

Run Run Away (Laura update)

 I am trying to continue making blog entries, although they are fewer and further between.

Of course, everyone asks about Laura and how she is doing and my answer is mostly the same....she is doing pretty good. Her treatment continues and probably always will. She had some setbacks in February and March with a blood infection and weight issues. That seemed to really slow her progress down. Her last scans were not bad but not great either, just ok. Some tumors got a little smaller, some got a little bigger. They are adding a new medicine to her chemo treatment to help keep the cancer stable. She has gotten much better over the last month and has gained back over 10 pounds. She is feeling stronger and looking more solid and less frail. Yesterday she got a nerve blocker to help alleviate the horrible pain she has been suffering from over the past year due to her pancreatic tumor. It hits two nerves and causes excruciating pain and suffering. When she hurts, it's hard to eat or sleep, bringing her quality of life down quite a bit. But when the procedure was finished yesterday she wasn't feeling any pain at all and for most of the day she didn't need any pain meds. This is very promising and she is excited about not hurting every day. That would make a big difference for her to enjoy her everyday life and put on more weight. More weight would give her more strength in case she got another infection or got sick. With her immune response so low from the chemo sudden illness can take a big toll on her. All in all, she is doing really pretty good right now and we are very thankful. She is a fighter and will continue to fight hard. We pray for any and all miracles, but we also are thankful for the miracle that she is with us right now, today.

My past behavior shows a pattern of running away. I run away from problems, intimacy, hard times...you name it and I have run away from it in my life. Ironically, I have always had this desire to run, like physically run fast and hard. I have never been a runner but I always have this idea, this thought that I would love to go outside and run as fast as I can. On January 1st of this year, I decided I would start running every day. I went outside and I ran. It felt good. I got an Apple watch and started monitoring my progress and my heart rate. I quickly moved to the treadmill where I began an Apple Fitness Plus class. Since January 1st of this year, I have only missed 7 days of running. My stamina is much higher now and I can knock out a 45-minute class with ease. I get my heart rate up to 160-170 most every day. The class is more cardio than just running. It involves hits where we push really hard for a short period of maybe 30-45 seconds and then we pull back to an easy walk or run for a minute or so and then go again. This has helped me to build full body strength and freedom. I no longer am so concerned with how many calories I have or if I can have a cookie or not. My metabolism is much higher now and my life has completely changed. I have maybe lost 10 pounds total but my body has been transformed. My core is strong and my energy level is through the roof. I sleep solid and I feel ten years younger. But the most important change this physical act of running has brought me is inner peace. My mind is at ease. The pain of my wife's illness is still there every waking moment, but my mind can stay clear and focused throughout the day. I am burning off the excess anxiety. It's amazing to me that what I have wanted all my life is to run, literally. When I physically run, I am actually running away from my mind and my worrying....hence my problems. My problems are always of my own making in my mind. Of course, I am not at fault for my wife's illness or all of my circumstances in life but I am responsible for how I react and walk through the circumstances. Physically running gives me hope and focus to do what I can do and be of service. 

Many folks are kind enough to ask me how am I doing through all of this. I tell them I am doing ok. That's about how I am doing. Sometimes I am just in what I call "Animal" mode. I am surviving. I do what I am asked to do for the family and I follow direction. I act stupid and laugh at horrible jokes. I watch silly movies and tv shows and listen to more rocking music because it pushes me. It may seem like I am just not feeling much and that's probably true. When I am on the road working, I prefer to not have a lot of feelings. They get in the way. When I am home I get to relax and love on my girls and that balances my life. 

 We have so much generous help from family and loving friends through this all, we are not alone. We thank you all for your support and love and prayers. Laura is very strong and she's not going anywhere anytime soon. She is doing things now she wouldn't have considered months ago. She is willing to do whatever it takes to stay here with our family, she is a fighter and I am so proud of her. 

We love you!

Peace, Love, Zito

Wednesday, February 22, 2023

Richard Pryor











Laughter: Most commonly, it is considered an auditory expression of a number of positive emotional states, such as joy, mirth, happiness, or relief.

The study of "Laughter" is called Gelotology.


I had some pretty terrible things happen to me when I was a young child. Things that should never happen to children. It was traumatizing and changed my life forever. I felt shame and was frightened of going to hell for what happened to me. The acts themselves were enough to ruin a child but the Catholic church added another element to the entire experience by scaring the living shit out of me night and day. I had very dark times when I was 6 and 7 years old. I was always afraid and ashamed. I got a guitar and a record player in 1978 and they would both change my life for the better. 

My brother Frank is 18 years older than me. My sister Patty is 16 years older than me and Judy is 11 years older than me. By the time I was 8 years old, all of them were long gone from the house. It was just me and my parents and a BUNCH of vinyl records that were left behind. Those records consisted of Led Zepplin, The Eagles, Heart, Jimi Hendrix, The Doors, Rolling Stones, The Beatles, Paul Revere and The Raiders, Jackson 5, and many more. But maybe more important than the music albums were comedy albums. Cheech and Chong, Steve Martin, and most important, Richard Pryor. There were two Richard Pryor albums; "That ni$$ers crazy" and "Is it something I said?". These two albums changed my life for the better and continue to do so today. I was 8 years old with two Richard Pryor albums and a world of hurt. I remember listening to them for the first time. His voice was just funny, he was playful. He did different voices of characters that made me laugh. Obviously, many sexual jokes and racial ideas went over my head at such a young age. I knew he was using dirty words and I loved it! But I didn't always understand the context. What I did understand and feel almost immediately was that this man was special. He was kind and full of love. He had a softness to his personality that instantly made me feel better. He was vulnerable. Even as a young kid, I could tell he was saying that life is painful and weird and that's ok cause it's like that for all of us. I could see the scene when he did voices and told stories of the wino on the street corner. I was there in my head watching him tell this story, he took me somewhere far away from my own mind and thoughts. My absolute favorite is of course "Mudbone". I would listen to these stories over and over and watch them play out like a movie that was only for me. I was enthralled by the laughter of the live audience. They howled, screamed, and cheered him on as he poured his heart out in front of them. I memorized all of the stories word for word and would laugh to myself at school as I replayed them in my mind. I couldn't wait to get home to put on my comedy records and just fantasize for hours. I loved Steve Martin and his silliness and adored Cheech and Chong with the stories and characters and sound effects, but most of all I loved Richard Pryor. He was just more real and honest and he always made me feel like everything was going to be ok. He instilled in me a feeling of resilience that I carry with me to this day. His albums became my religion, my sanctuary. I listened to them over and over all of my life. His understanding of the human condition continues to inspire me today. 

Later in life I became friends with Cyril Neville. We wrote a song together called "Pearl River" and it won a Blues Music Award for Song of the Year in 2010. That brought us together to write more songs and start a band called Royal Southern Brotherhood. We traveled the world with this band and spent many days and nights on the road together. Soon enough Cyril found out how much I loved Richard Pryor and we became much closer. Richard Pryor was a hero to Cyril as well. Cyril just loved him for all the same reasons I did. We would listen to those albums in the van on the road, quote his best lines to each other and sometimes Cyril would just ask me to recite some of Mudbone or the Wino to make him laugh. Richard Pryor brought Cyril and me together much closer because we both understood what his comedy meant and how deep it was, still today. To truly feel his comedy you have to have a bit of sadness inside and Cyril and I shared that feeling together. We understood each other much better because of this connection. 

I wrote Richard Pryor's wife Jennifer years ago to let her know how Richard's comedy was still bringing people together and told her about myself and Cyril and she took the time to write back to me. She appreciated my sharing with her and wished us well, very sweet.

On this last tour, we spent super bowl Sunday in Peoria, Il. The next day we went to visit the Richard Pryor memorial statue. It was beautiful and very meaningful to me. His comedy is like my religion. He always makes me feel better. We listened all morning to Richard and laughed our way to Evansville. His comedy never goes out of style. You can hear where all of the others after him take their cues. Some just blatantly use his material for their own. But none are as powerful or vulnerable as Richard Pryor. He was real and needed to laugh to get past the sadness of life. His comedy endures today. I am so very thankful to have found those records all those years ago when I was young. They were waiting for me at the absolute right time in my life. 

Peace, Love, Zito

"yeah I know Jesus! I remember when the boy got kilt, thats for real man it was on a Friday down by the railroad depot" - RP

Take a few minutes to enjoy Mudbone today:

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=d6hwsx8xnPM

Saturday, November 26, 2022

Thanksgiving - Laura Update

 Happy Thanksgiving!

I hope you had a wonderful day with friends and family and were able to eat some good food. I was very lucky to do just that. I was home all week with the girls and we had a big dinner with everyone at my mother-in-law's house. Pam, Laura's mother, is an excellent cook and the food was wonderful.  I am always thankful when someone cooks for me! I don't think it gets any better in life. We played a big game of dominoes after dinner that lasted for hours with about 8 people at the table, which is usually really fun. But...I was accused of cheating. I had turned over 7 of my dominoes and they sucked and I had not turned over the 8th domino just yet and I thought I would trade it out for a new one before I was all in. Laura caught me and very sternly told me that was cheating and to put it back. Everyone had a giggle, except Laura who is VERY serious about "playing" games, and me. I did not have a giggle. I got pretty upset. I wasn't cheating and I got embarrassed if you can believe it being called out in front of everyone by my wife. I stayed upset for quite a while and just couldn't shake the feeling. Why was I so upset over something so silly? Normally I would be laughing and arguing and having fun but I was tired and emotionally sensitive. It all seems so stupid and trivial but I realized later that evening that I was not doing well with everything going on with Laura's cancer. It's been a lot lately and I guess I just have kept it inside and then I let it show over something so silly. I talked to Laura later that night and it made me feel a lot better, but I try not to bring that burden to Laura as she has enough on her plate to deal with just trying to focus on healing and treatment. I try to be strong, carry on, and make things as "normal" as possible in the house for her and the kids. People ask me all the time about Laura and then they ask "and how are you doing?" and I answer "I guess I am doing ok, I don't know." Which is really the truth, I just don't really know. I don't always take a lot of time to think about how I am doing because I want to focus on moving forward. I put my energy into work and music and the record label. I keep myself busy with guitars and work and that helps my mind to stay positive. But it's hard, it's been pretty hard. When I talk to Laura she sounds the same. When I text Laura she has the same personality and sense of humor that I love. Then I see Laura and I am immediately reminded that she is very sick and is going through treatment. I wake up in the mornings and the first thing I think is Laura has cancer. I go to bed at night and the last thing I think is Laura has cancer. It's always there, all the time, and never goes away. Of course, I pray and meditate and talk to my sponsor which all help a lot but it's still always there like a rash. Things are the same these days and they are extremely different and now the new normal. I truly believe it's harder watching your loved one go through this than if I had to deal with it myself. People who have been in my shoes have told me the same thing, they understand. I try not to make this about me, this is about Laura, but we all have to deal with this change in our lives. I guess I hadn't realized how I was feeling until I got caught swapping out a domino on Thanksgiving. LOL - onward and upward my friends.

So, how is Laura doing?

Laura is doing AMAZING! She is seriously kicking ass and feeling better than ever. She had her treatment changed back in October and it has made a world of difference in her quality of life. She doesn't really get sick anymore, she's not tired all the time and she's keeping her weight on. She eats really well and looks amazing. Her Doctor told us the most important factor in her healing is if she is feeling good and she feels really good. They run labs on her blood every time she goes in for treatment and they run numbers on her liver and her tumor marker for her pancreas. These numbers will show how the treatment is working. If her numbers go up, the cancer is growing and if they go down the cancer is shrinking and the chemo is working. Back in August her tumor marker number was as high as 6300. I don't really know what that means because it's all based on millimeters of her tumor, but that was a high number. Last Friday her tumor marker was 900!!! It has continually gone down over the past months. Her liver numbers are all down as well. It's been a real miracle to watch her slowly feel better. Her doctor is so pleased with her progress. They will run scans next Wednesday and we pray that the cancer has retreated and gotten smaller. Right now she is scheduled for two more chemotherapy treatments that will finish before the end of December. If she continues to do well and the cancer is cooled down the doctors will decide what the next plan of action will be for Laura. The options vary from immunotherapy, chemo pills, we're just not sure yet. The important thing is that the cancer is retreating and she feels so much better than she did just months ago. 

So there you go - I figured you should know what's happening. I will continue to try and keep you up to date on her progress and feel free to continue to pray, good thoughts, or whatever you got to send this girl some positive energy. We are doing really good and I am thankful for her healing.

We are also thankful for you. For the years of support and love.

Peace, Love, Zito

Monday, September 5, 2022

Life with Cancer

 Well, I haven't sat down and written my blog in a while.

With so much going on I haven't had a lot of time to reflect or think about life much. I have been knee deep in it and just moving forward. I have had plenty of time for anxiety and worry and stress, thats for sure, but I haven't really put it into words yet. I am not writing songs about this experience, not yet, maybe not ever. Right now I am just living day to day learning more about patience than ever before. Playing music has been a relief for me. Getting to sing and play my guitar has taken on a whole new life and it's my therapy. 

If you are not aware and you're reading this blog - my wife Laura was diagnosed with Stage 4 Pancreatic Cancer around the beginning of July. It sounds terrifying and it most certainly is, but it's much more than that. Those words have been engrained in our heads for so long, they depict a death sentence. But as I am learning along the way, in todays world that is not always so. The modern medicine and science available today is remarkable and life is not over with the diagnosis. A new life begins, life with cancer. Stage 4 only means by definition that the cancer has spread from its origin to another place in the body. That can mean one other spot or all over the body. Luckily in Laura's case, it meant one other spot. The tumor started in her pancreas and she has many tiny tumors that have taken form in her liver. They're so small they cannot be counted. The tumor in her pancreas is the origin and it's pretty big for that organ. When we asked the doctors how long this has been going on they replied 8 to 10 years. No symptoms, no blood test markers, nothing. Laura and I have an excellent doctor and have check ups every year, but pancreatic cancer is one of the worst to early diagnose. There are simply no symptoms until it's pretty late in the game. Luckily for Laura she began having pancreatitis and that lead to the discovery of the tumor. It was not caught early by any means, but there is still enough time to do aggressive chemotherapy treatment in hopes to eradicate the smaller tumors in her liver and hopefully shrink the tumor in her pancreas. As of now they do not believe it is possible to remove the pancreatic tumor as it has attached itself to arteries. But if they can shrink it in size she will stop having pancreatitis and if they can keep it from spreading further she can live with it. She's lived with it almost ten years already with no pain or suffering, the hope is to get it back to the size when she never knew it was there. Her team of doctors most certainly believe this is possible given her age and that is she is very healthy. But she may never be in remission, she may just live with cancer like someone lives with diabetes. She would get breaks from the chemo when the treatments have worked well and might be able to do pill form chemo when necessary or immunotherapies. Of course, if the treatments all work well, who knows what is possible. We are all very positive she will pull through this and kick cancers ass. She is a fighter and has a lot to live for and is certainly not giving up. She has a wonderful attitude and doesn't feel sorry for herself or cry "why me", she just takes it as it comes one day at a time. She's had a rough go this summer with many other set backs but I am happy to report that she's just had one of the best weeks yet and is really doing much better.

People have been wonderful all over the world. The outpouring of love and support is astounding. None of the well wishes goes unnoticed and we are truly thankful. Our family and our friends have been by our side since the beginning and continue to come to the house to clean and cook and make sure Laura has everything needs, especially when I need to be working. And I need to be working. Many people think I would quit touring and working and stay home to care for Laura, but that is simply not what is in the best interest of our family and certainly not what Laura wants. She will be retiring soon from teaching to be able to focus full time on her health and recovery and that will mean an income loss for the family. With all of the help and support we have from family and friends here at home, the last thing Laura wants is to think she is causing a financial burden on the family. She wants everything to stay as normal as possible for the kids and the family. She does not want me to stay home and stare at her 24 hours a day, she is not like that and never has been. This is why we always made such a perfect team - we both have careers and lives and we support one another. Our family is the center of our lives, it's what matters most to us. Laura will also not just stay home and lay around, she's not able to do that, she's a worker. She will continue to run the office for Gulf Coast Records. Shipping orders, doing inventory, and accounting. My touring schedule has been pulled back now that summer is over and I have made a decision to not be gone for more than a few weeks at a time. I want to be home to help with the girls and spend my time with my wife, but I still have to work. Many people have offered to start a Go Fund Me for my family or a benefit for Laura but we have thankfully declined each time. While the thought is generous and loving, we don't feel it is necessary. Luckily we have very good insurance because Laura is a school teacher. Yes we have medical bills to pay, but our deductible is manageable compared to the actual cost of her care. I am also able to continue to work to provide for my family and I will do so unless the time comes when I am absolutely needed to be home full time - we are hopeful this is never necessary. God forbid we are told that time is limited at some point, I will be home to spend every second with my beautiful wife, but we are absolutely praying this not be the case. 

People ask me "How are you doing?" - I say I am doing pretty good. I think I am doing pretty good... I don't really have any other experience in this matter to base off, but compared to how well I have done in the face of adversity in my life, I would say I am doing pretty good. When I was drinking and using drugs I would look for any excuse to run off and get loaded, but today that doesn't really cross my mind at all. So that to me is pretty good. I have certainly had my share of crying and feeling mad and angry and uncertain but as we continue day by day those feelings have drifted away. Thats what you feel when it's all still new. I call them "hurdles" - you jump through hurdles you didn't think you'd ever have to jump through. You jump through one and think thats it and then another one comes your way and its even harder than the last one but you jump through it and keep moving forward and eventually you start think there are no hurdles you cannot jump through. I have learned that this is our life now, life with cancer. Thats just the way it is, but it is life nonetheless. Laura is still here and she's not going anywhere anytime soon. I will take any life I can with Laura, because it's better than no life with her at all. It was very hard at first but as we learn more and more about the process of her treatments and see that she is feeling better than she was a few weeks ago, it all becomes "normal" again. I also have an amazing support team on my side. My sponsor and my recovery family check on me everyday and remind me to take care of myself too. I pray and meditate and exercise and give myself a break. I have really enjoyed playing my guitar and my music and being onstage more than ever. The music feels deeper to me and every note counts. I love spending time with my band mates and my friends and seeing all of the fans. They come and shower love on me and I know I am not alone. Life is much sweeter today than it was just a few months ago - it all counts. Laura and I are so grateful and thankful for everything we have and every minute we get to spend together and with our family - living with cancer has been a blessing in this way - it opens your eyes and your heart to what matters most in life.

The future looks bright. I am excited to head into the studio next week with my brother Albert Castiglia and the boys in the band along with Joe Bonamassa and Josh Smith to make the first ever "Blood Brothers" album. This band has been so special for me right now. It's so fun to make music with Albert and just play my guitar. I believe we will make an excellent album. It's very special for me because it gives me a break from being "Mike Zito". I get to be in the band, one of the guys. I don't have to write songs that are too personal right now or about this experience I am going through - I am not ready to do that, it's too new for me. We are recording some great blues and rock songs that are fun and energetic. I can focus on playing guitar and singing and making a great album - I know with Joe and Josh on our side - they will push us past our own boundaries and bring out the absolute best in myself and Albert.

So - life with cancer is pretty good...considering. It's always there. We try and spend as many moments as we can not thinking about it - but we are always reminded. Laura doesn't want to spend every minute of everyday talking about her cancer or thinking about it - she wants to live and laugh and enjoy. She wants to stay busy as much as she can and she wants me to play my music. I follow her lead.

Thank you all for the love and support and prayers - keep them coming!                                                   We pray for full healing for Laura.

Peace, Love, Zito