Monday, March 11, 2013

I'm obsessed with obsession....

Maybe I am possessed, yes maybe that's what the problem is with me!
Wouldn't it be wonderful to write this obsession off as a real demon inside
Of me that is possessing me and making me think and do awful stuff? Rhetorical
Obviously, I don't believe in monsters and will probably have to take responsibility for my own actions and thoughts. Ha!
I do really well for a long time, just going along with the days, following the rules of society.
I pay my bills on time, get my oil changed, use the seatbelt, don't curse in front of the elderly or children.... I even do nice things for people when I can, and then suddenly out of nowhere,
Somebody gets into my head and I can't get them out!
I somehow get involved in some crazy wacky situation that involves he said and she said and we thought, and you thought and it all goes right over the cliff.
That's life I guess. Things are not perfect all the time, nor should they be.
It's so easy when I am giving someone else advice on how to deal with this situation by telling them to just let it go, who cares, it's no big deal, you can change your mind, just pray........
But when it comes to me, oh my mind tells me this is the worst thing ever. No one has ever had it this bad before and I better get good and obsessed about it all.
I start reciting all the lines of the conversation or situation at hand. It's like an afternoon tv special going on in my head. Then I get even crazier and start adding things they didn't say just to make it all more juicy and exciting! I start reciting my lines as well, what I will say when I speak to them again.
It takes over and it won't stop. Once I recognize that my mind is plagued with this situation I start to immediately say the serenity prayer. I know I need relief once it really starts to change my mood on the outside. I can't focus on things around me and I get very agitated. So I begin the recovery process yet again. I start by praying every time my mind begins thinking about this crap in hopes that I can change my mind, but my sickness is strong and it doesn't really work well at first.
So I start reading my literature and try to meditate a little more to help ease the pain.
Still I go through every scenario possible. I take a different angle to the situation as time goes on.
At first I might be very angry and stand offish about all of this and then I may get very apologetic in a very sarcastic way and it usually ends with a good old I don't give a shit.
Still every clear moment, I catch myself thinking about this shit.
That gets frustrating, just the idea that I cannot let go of this in my head starts to get me down.
Eventually, slowly over a period of time, I will begin to forget about all of this and forgive those involved, including myself. I let it go and move on. I slowly become free once again from the bondage of self. That's what I wanted all along! How come to it didn't happen quicker? I still want what I want when I want it and recovery is still a process. It takes time. I have come to the understanding that I'm going to have to probably suffer a little bit but in the end it all goes away. The important thing today is that I don't use over it.
That's a miracle!
I need to recognize that I am growing and give myself a break. The longer I stay in recovery and continue to work the spiritual principles into my life, the easier it all gets. What used to cause a huge bender now only causes a day or two of bad thinking. That's pretty good.
The more I recognize my own disease,
the more I realize others are sick as well and we are just trying to get along on this big rock until we die.
God is good and so is life today in recovery.